Wednesday, 23 March 2011

My journey in trying for a baby - part three

So here is part three of my story in trying for a baby... so at the end of May beginning of June 2010 I lost my 3rd baby (I've put both months as it was about 3 weeks from finding out that the baby wasn't alive to actually miscarrying (see part two).

I found the time after this miscarriage a lot harder than my first miscarriage for a number of reasons:
  • I hadn't thought there was anything wrong... the pregnancy to me seemed to be going well and up to going for the first scan my body felt really pregnant!
  • My best friend got pregnant (unplanned) at pretty much the exact same time that I was going through my miscarriage... I found out 3 months down the line after her first scan.  However, between the time of my miscarriage and her three months scan she was very elusive and not available.  I can understand why so there's no blame given but I found this really difficult as I really needed someone to talk to and to spend time with.  I also fell apart when she told me the news.  I think on my journey that was one of the worst if not the worst days!  She had rung me to tell me and to explain that it wasn't her timing and, as people do when they are having difficult conversations, she said something that probably afterwards she wished she hadn't.  She said 'it wasn't our timing but I guess it must be God's so we'll have to work through it'.  Having just lost a baby to be told that it was God's timing for someone who had no desire to be pregnant was awful.  (I share a lot of this in the hope that someone reading this will realise that you're not alone in your experiences).  I didn't cope with this at all.  I rushed through some lame congratulatory sentences desperate for her to get off the phone and as soon as she did I suffered a really bad panic attack.   There have been days when my husband just hasn't known what to do to comfort or help me and this was one of those days!
  • Work... In April 2010, our organisation was taken over by a different organisation.  This organisation decided to do a service review and then a restructure.  I returned to work towards the end of June and had a 'return to work meeting' with my Manager where I explained that I was fine to be back but the Doctor had said to take it easy and in the short term not to take on any additional responsibility.  The following week information on the restructure came out to say that one Manager would need to take on two teams rather than one and that Manager would be me.  Again I was so hurt that people couldn't see how much I was struggling or worse still didn't care.  I spoke to the decision makers and was told I had three options - to take a career break for a year!?, to be demoted (but they couldn't guarantee geographically where I would be placed or what work I would be doing) or to get on with it.  I chose the last option but this created extra tiredness, stress and weariness
I believe time is a great healer and despite having just had a third miscarriage (which I'll write about later) most days I am feeling more positive than how I was last year.  But the above things didn't make it easy working through the grieving process and the loss me and my husband had been through.

I had numerous blood tests.  I know to most this is no big deal... but unfortunately, the only one phobia I have is needles... and wasps (but I see the two things as related :-))  Put me in a room with tarantulas, take me to a great height etc and I'll be fine but ask me to have an injection and I am full of fear! lol.  I've got to say that this phobia is starting to get less and become more something that I really dislike but that's because of the sheer amount of injections/ needles I've had to have since then as you will read in future updates!!

Anyway, I hope all of you who are reading this are well today!  It's a beautiful sunny spring day here... I think Spring weather always helps to make situations feel a little bit better! :-)  Part four to follow soon... if you are still following this and not finding it too long ;-)  I've never been good at telling short stories! :-)


  1. Great post. Thanks so much for sharing. I agree that time really does help to heal. Too bad your work wasn't more supportive of your needs at the time. I'm a Christian and I don't like it either when people who don't know what to say to me pull the "It was God's will.." card on me. I don't turn to God for blame, I turn to God for strength. Looking forward to Part 4! ~Carrie-Anne

  2. Many thanks for reading the blog and for your comments and support. I'm new to blogging but hoped it would help me writing things down but also help other people... That ultimately despite having had a difficult time that is ongoing God's love and faithfulness remains constant. Also that it's ok to go through different emotions. I'm liking writing down my thoughts so just pray it helps someone.

    Just read your blog on accupuncture, it was really inspiring so I'll make sure to read future posts and will pray for your dream to become a reality.

    Thanks again!

  3. Just want you to know that I feel for you. Though I have had 3 healthy girls...I have also had 3 2nd trimester miscarriages. I understand hope and loss and the pain and sadness. I, like you, also understand that God does have a plan. I believe you do have children in Heaven. They are not just masses of nothing, but spirits that consider you Mom. I will pray for you and that you will feel the peace that passeth understanding and a closeness to the children that are your angels.

  4. Hi Tam, that must have been so difficult having 3 2nd trimester miscarriages. I really feel for you through that and am glad that you've found peace in God and in His love for you and that you have had three healthy girls!

    Thank you for posting your comment and writing such encouraging words to me :-) Thanks also for taking the time to read my blogs!