OK so this is my first blog on how I came to be where I am today on 18th March 2011 - still trying for a baby and still (at least most of the time) hopeful!
Me and my hubby started thinking about trying for a baby in early 2007. However, such is life, just after we'd made the decision to start trying my best friend announced her engagement and would be getting married early 2008. We decided to wait until after this time and thought well what's a few months! So we first actually started trying in June 2008.. wow that seems so long ago now!!
It took just three months for me to get pregnant but unfortunately pretty quickly I started to get abdominal pains so took a few days off work to rest. I started to feel a bit better and was told by people that with my body going through lots of changes it was probably normal. Unfortunately this was not the case and a couple of days later I started to bleed. I fully miscarried the following day. A very painful experience both physically and emotionally! Ladies if you are going through or have gone through this, don't let anyone speak in to your life to say that it's nothing.
I've found that people fall in to two camps - those who care, understand your pain and show you love and those who think it's no big deal (generally because they haven't experienced it). Listen to the first group and show grace to the second (I know, sometimes easier said than done).
I'm sure those who've been through this will have had people say to them, "it happens to lots of people" (well so does an adult death but you wouldn't use this as a reason to say that it isn't painful). We had had dreams and the potential of a new life ended through a miscarriage and all around me people were having successful pregnancies and new babies... to me it didn't seem to be happening to lots of people.
The following few months were painful and we decided to try again after the suggested three month wait (over this time we rationalised that it was one of those things and next time would be different).
We started trying again in January 2009. The first three months were awful as each month we waited to see if our attempts and each time our hopes were shattered. Unfortunately, timing was such that every time my period started something would coincide that would add to the pain. The first month a friend had a baby. The second month we got a thank you card for our gift we'd sent for their baby with the following Bible verse, "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of bows", Psalm 127:5. This kind of verse to a couple who are struggling to conceive isn't helpful! I'm sure it was picked to give honour to God but please be careful about what you say in front of people (you don't know what they are going through). The third month and this is no joke, I was at an aerobics class and the instructor (who I know from Church) came to talk to me to tell me about a girl who had had a baby, I didn't know the girl but she had given the exact name (and I mean first and middle) of what we would have called our baby if it had been a girl... and it wasn't a completely standard name! I was devastated. It's these things, these odd occurences that cause a lot of the pain... where circumstances leave you feeling broken and lost and wondering where the Lord is.
But the Lord is there, He is the comforter, He is my strength and refuge. I have learnt that it is important to come close to the Lord and know His heart because on wilderness days, months, years you will need to cling to His hopes and His promises. I know from past experiences where I have experienced God's love in a real and tangible way that He is always there!
One of my favourite Bible passages is Psalm 62 verses 1 to 8. Please read this as it will speak truth in to your life about the love and hope you can get from having a relationship with God, your loving Heavenly Father.