Monday, 27 June 2011

The Big Fat Negative has stayed but Aunt Flo still hasn't showed up!

For those of you who have read some of my twitter updates over the last week, you will know that I should have bought shares in First Response pregnancy tests... with the amount of them I've bought and used!

My period was due on Friday.  It's now Monday evening but it still hasn't showed up.  I did another test this morning which was... you guessed it... negative!  So I'm now willing my period to arrive, which is a bit bizarre when you are desperate to get pregnant and have a baby!

I have two reasons for this.  Reason one... my fragmin injections.  Until I get a period I have to keep self injecting because if there is any chance, however small, that I am pregnant I need to keep my blood thin so that the baby would get the nutrients it needs to survive!  My stomach is covered in an area of multi-coloured bruises.  I can cope with that.  The problem is more the areas that don't bruise because I certainly know about it if I inject in an area twice in too short a period of time (so if there's no visible bruise it's very hard to know if I've done so).

I had such an experience on Friday.  It was my last appointment at the nurses.  Having gone to the doctor's surgery every day for two weeks to have the nurses support in learning how to self inject, I had built myself up to the point where I was going to be let loose to do my injections at home the following day.  All had been going so well.  My confidence was fairly high.  I then injected myself and it felt like I'd stabbed a needle through a sore purple bruise (however, the bruise only arrived after the injection)!  I cried with disappointed as I'd been so ready to inject myself at home and this one failed attempt (the nurse had to help me put the plunger down as I couldn't inflict the pain on myself) now robbed me of my confidence to do it at home.  So much so that the nurse gave me her home telephone number and said I could ring her over the weekend if I struggled (quite above and beyond so I'm very grateful for her kindness)!  Thankfully since then they haven't hurt so much and I didn't need to telephone her!

Reason two for wanting my period to arrive... Those of you who have read my blog will know that I've had three miscarriages.  All truely horrible experiences but one thing I wouldn't want more than a miscarriage is an ectopic pregnancy.  My sister had two ectopic pregnancies before successfully having IVF and now has a gorgeous son and daughter.  The two ectopic pregnancies though were hard to watch from the outside so I know she went through a lot of heartache, grief and pain during the ectopics and for a long time afterwards.  With the first ectopic she didn't get a period but kept doing tests and getting BFNs so thought she mustn't be pregnant.

So whilst I wait for my period to come I start worrying about something that might not ever happen... I start to worry about what if I have an ectopic!

Sometimes I'm a really strong person and know in my heart that it is my choice what I choose to believe and think on and that when I want to I can have control over my mind.  But last night, as I slept I dreamt about every scenario I didn't want to happen!  As a Christian, I believe that God is above every situation and that I can hand all my worries over to Him so I'm not sure why it is that I so quickly want to go and take them back off him and worry some more!

So I'm going to be praying that Aunt Flo arrives very soon!!  Then it will be back to the injections and trying again next month :-)

Praying also for all of you who are having difficult times in your journey to conceive and have the son or daughter you long for!  Make sure you are taking lots of care of yourself and remember how valuable you are :-)

Sunday, 19 June 2011

An early Big Fat Negative!

I seem to be writing a lot of blogs at the moment... probably because I use this as a way of getting my feelings out of my head by putting them on to paper...or typing them on to a screen ;-)

Not having the best of days today.  Decided to do one of the very early pregnancy tests and it has come back with a Big Fat Negative :-(  My hubby was annoyed at me for doing it as he feels it was too early but the temptation was too much and now I'm feeling completely glum and dwelling on the fact that, yet again, this month is likely to be another disappointment on our journey to having a baby.

So this morning I've kept crying, pulling myself together again and then crying again!  My mind has a fantastic ability to make me feel worse.  Today it's been pondering on the fact that many of my friends will be going out with their babies and young children celebrating Father's Day.  As I said when it was Mother's Day, I love to be able to celebrate my own Mum and my Dad but these days in the calendar just draw attention to the fact that we've been unsuccessfully trying to have a baby for three years.

So now I need to get myself back in the mindset of having injections for the next week as there's no way the nurses will let me stop the injections until my period comes so I need to keep up the motivation knowing I'm more than likely not pregnant.

My issue, as I explained to my hubby this morning, is that I've only ever had an early negative that has continued to be negative with my period showing and so on the times when I got pregnant the early tests showed it.  Is there anybody out there who has had a negative followed by a positive later on??

My prayers today will be for all of you who find Father's Day tough for whatever reason that may be!

Friday, 17 June 2011

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

I've written a lot recently about overcoming fears as this has been a key thing in my life recently.

As I've mentioned I need to have daily injections to thin my blood whilst I'm trying to conceive.  I started out last week absolutely terrified of the thought of daily injections but knew needs must and got myself to the nurse, each day fighting against my will which was screaming internally for me not to go!

For people who don't have a phobia of needles you may be reading this thinking what is the big deal... but for me even having an injection is a major achievement.  (I've had a severe phobia of needles since a bad experience when I was about six years old).  It might be an irrational fear but it is a real fear!

I've gradually been getting better as the week went on and so yesterday after my injection I got myself thinking, what if I could do it myself?  I've been pondering this overnight and made the decision this morning that I would give it a go.

So this afternoon I've been to see the nurse and asked if I could do it.  I shakingly took the cap off the needle and hovered over my skin willing myself to do it and in my mind reciting the verse 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' (found at Philipians 4: 13).  If in my heart I believe that then I need to act it out!

It took a couple of minutes for me to build myself up to it but I successfully put the needle in and gave myself the injection (with a little bit of help and encouragement from the nurse)!!!

I am coming to realise that God doesn't let us harbour our fears forever, He gets us to face them head on so we can overcome them.  This feels shocking at the start of the process but hopefully by the end feels exhilirating and brings freedom!  Thankfully also, He doesn't make us do it on our own.  God is our biggest supporter, cheering us on and encouraging us.  I still hold some fear of needles but as I face this fear each day it is starting to fade!  Praise God!!

I pray today that you would seek God's love and encouragement to help you face your fears.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

overcoming fears, the two week wait & will power

So I've now been on the fragmin injections for six days.  It seems a lot longer but it is just six days.  I've started to bruise a bit.  Unfortunately the nurse has said the bruising means the injections are working and so I'm expecting bruising lke last time I was on fragmin (my stomach was black and blue).

I've also worked out that if I got pregnant this month the amount of injections to the estimated date of arrival would now be 259!!  Not sure why I decided to work that out but I wanted a clear idea in my own mind :-)

I've had a job interview today and been offered the job so I start the week after next.  This means I must get my head round my hubby doing the injections asap!  Overcoming fears isn't easy but I'm getting there!!  I've taken to shutting my eyes firmly whilst the needle goes in... it's kind of working but doesn't help with the stinging afterwards.

I'm now in the two week wait time too... so am itching to do a test.  No signs that I am pregnant but guess it's too early to tell.  I've been and bought a test today but I'm going to hold off until the weekend to use it (that is if I've got the will power).  My usual trick is to do the test far too early and then be bitterly disappointed that it's showing a BFN!  So I'm determined not to do that this time!

Hope you are all having a good week.  Praying for all of you who are going through fertility problems, miscarriage and IVF.  I've recently read some really tough and difficult times in blogs and on twitter and am inspired by your courageousness and strength.  So I pray that you get strength and perserverance to continue on your journey in trying to conceive.  I pray also for your peace xx

Monday, 13 June 2011

so we're now trying to conceive again!!!

So just a quick update from my last post.

I visited the haematologist on Thursday.  I was disappointed that it wasn't my usual constultant.  Unfortunately, it was the consultant who badly advised me last year to take the fragmin once I found out I was pregnant which likely contributed to my 3rd miscarriage.  So I wasn't filled with confidence when I realised that I would be seeing her again!

The appointment was pretty pointless (apart from obviously to get the prescription for the fragmin) as I went with a long list of questions and she seemed to just be hazarding a guess to the answers.  A couple of examples...

ME:  Do I need to take the fragmin when I have a period?
DR: Mmmm well yes probably... or you could stop.  It might make your periods a bit heavier

ME: I've read that fragmin can affect bone density.  I'm also on steroid inhalers that can affect bone density so should I be taking a supplement for calcium?
DR: Not initially as although fragmin can affect bone density if you're only taking it for a short time it won't
ME: If I'm taking it until I get pregnant and then through the pregnancy and for a bit of time afterwards that would be over a year.  That seems quite a long time
DR: Mmmm yes possibly.  Will cross that bridge later on down the line.  Don't take a supplement and just make sure you get vitamin D and calcium through diet, going out in the sun and doing weight bearing exercise.
(I'm left thinking when will we cross that bridge... what I think she meant was 'wait for your usual consultant to be back and ask her all the questions)!

So I left feeling a little bit irritated as I'd built myself up for my husband to be taught how to do the injections (though in hindsight I'm happy for the nurse to be doing them at the moment).  He didn't get taught as the Dr we saw wasn't really interested and just said my medical practice would be able to teach him.  My usual consultant is very on the ball and pro-active so I felt a bit short changed.

I then rang my medical practice the next day to ask for a nurse to do the injections.  I was consequently told that they wouldn't do them possibly until my next period.  For a couple of hours, whilst I was left hanging there wondering whether they would do the injections, I was busy ringing other practices to see if they had availability for new patients as I was so annoyed at my treatment.  As I told the nurse, I'd already started trying so there was a chance that by them not giving me the injections until my next period that it may cause me to have another miscarriage.

Anyway, a couple of hours later a Doctor rang me from the surgery and they'd done a complete U turn and asked me to go to the surgery for the injection.  (Seemingly, the hospital had now given them confirmation and they told me they needed to be careful as I could've just decided that I wanted the injections myself and not seen a consultant)?!  This was said to me by the nurse who has seen first hand my phobia of needles! :-)  I think she thought this explanation was a little bit far fetched too but I guess policies are policies and they need to be adhered to!

So I've now had 3 injections.  So far no bruising!!!!  We've got a few close friends praying and I'm sure that's making all the difference to my state of mind in having the injections (so far I haven't freaked out completely) and I'm very thankful that so far no major bruising... although I think at some point it will happen as it's known if you inject in the same place twice the area bruises badly so if I'm having them for a long time they are bound to inject in the same location.

My hubby is due to be taught on Wednesday but I might ask if I can have the nurses do it for another week as I'm not sure I'm at the point of being calm enough to let my hubby do it yet!

So time will tell how it goes... we're just deciding how long to ttc whilst on fragmin before calling it a day and looking at other options.  We will probably only try for a couple of months as we're conscious of the possible long term health implications and my obvious dislike for needles.  We both think, for us, we feel we have to draw the line somewhere as it's now been 3 long years since we started trying.  I know others have tried for a lot longer and I commend you for your strength and my heart also goes out to you... but we think, for us, we need to set a limit.  So please pray that if it's God's will for us to get pregnant that it would happen over the next couple of cycles.

Thursday, 9 June 2011

today's haematology appointment

Having finished work two and a half weeks ago (due to redundancy), I've had a couple of weeks of relaxing and fun things... been to a take that concert, a couple of spa days, met up with friends etc... but now I'm back on the trying to conceive wagon!!

This afternoon we have our haematology appointment so that I can start my daily injections of fragmin to thin my blood.  It was decided at my last miscarriage that I needed to start the injections before I got pregnant as I started to lose the baby on the day of my appointment to start the injections in my last pregnancy.

I hated the injections last time as they are painful and need to be injected in to my stomach.  My husband is going to be taught how to inject me so that will be a daily joy!!  Our neighbours will think we're have blazing rows on a daily basis!!

I'd really appreciate your prayers that I get pregnant quickly, that this time it's a keeper and is a healthy baby and that I overcome my fear of injections.

In my heart I know that as it says in the Bible "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' but living that out is quite different to knowing it!

Saturday, 4 June 2011

feeling such a failure

Well I'm blogging today as to be honest feeling really low and fed up with myself.  My husband is out this afternoon so unfortunately you're going to have to read my woes!

So today is a year and a day since I had my second miscarriage.  I thought I was doing so well, yesterday came and went without much drama.  I felt pretty unwell as I suffer from IBS when I'm stressed so figured my body was telling me that actually all was not well with my soul!

Anyway, today I was meant to be at a hen do all day.  The bridesmaid had organised all sorts of activities and I had strategically planned to go to the ones that my pregnant friend wasn't at.  Pathetic I know but I haven't seen her since she announced her pregnancy and I just didn't feel up to doing all the gushing congratulations etc so I decided the best thing was to go to the activities she wasn't going to (i.e. the morning and afternoon).

Unfortunately said pregnant friend decided to come to the afternoon activities and so I've given my apologies said I'm a bit under the weather and left before she arrived.  I know I looked rude and I certainly wouldn't want to put a dampener on someone's hen do but I couldn't face it.  So I've returned home tearful and feeling a failure.

This last week I went to Cherish 2011 (a women's conference at Abundant Life Church in Bradford).  The singer/ songwriter Natalie Grant was performing at Cherish.  Natalie has been through her own journey of trying to conceive and now has three beautiful girls.  I've attached a song that she wrote. %20I really relate to the introduction that Natalie gives to this song in the clip about trying to paint a smile on my face when I'm feeling really broken.  I recommend you listening to some of Natalie's music or getting hold of one of her CDs as her songs are really heartfelt.

It's great to know that God loves me just as I am!