For those of you who have read some of my twitter updates over the last week, you will know that I should have bought shares in First Response pregnancy tests... with the amount of them I've bought and used!
My period was due on Friday. It's now Monday evening but it still hasn't showed up. I did another test this morning which was... you guessed it... negative! So I'm now willing my period to arrive, which is a bit bizarre when you are desperate to get pregnant and have a baby!
I have two reasons for this. Reason one... my fragmin injections. Until I get a period I have to keep self injecting because if there is any chance, however small, that I am pregnant I need to keep my blood thin so that the baby would get the nutrients it needs to survive! My stomach is covered in an area of multi-coloured bruises. I can cope with that. The problem is more the areas that don't bruise because I certainly know about it if I inject in an area twice in too short a period of time (so if there's no visible bruise it's very hard to know if I've done so).
I had such an experience on Friday. It was my last appointment at the nurses. Having gone to the doctor's surgery every day for two weeks to have the nurses support in learning how to self inject, I had built myself up to the point where I was going to be let loose to do my injections at home the following day. All had been going so well. My confidence was fairly high. I then injected myself and it felt like I'd stabbed a needle through a sore purple bruise (however, the bruise only arrived after the injection)! I cried with disappointed as I'd been so ready to inject myself at home and this one failed attempt (the nurse had to help me put the plunger down as I couldn't inflict the pain on myself) now robbed me of my confidence to do it at home. So much so that the nurse gave me her home telephone number and said I could ring her over the weekend if I struggled (quite above and beyond so I'm very grateful for her kindness)! Thankfully since then they haven't hurt so much and I didn't need to telephone her!
Reason two for wanting my period to arrive... Those of you who have read my blog will know that I've had three miscarriages. All truely horrible experiences but one thing I wouldn't want more than a miscarriage is an ectopic pregnancy. My sister had two ectopic pregnancies before successfully having IVF and now has a gorgeous son and daughter. The two ectopic pregnancies though were hard to watch from the outside so I know she went through a lot of heartache, grief and pain during the ectopics and for a long time afterwards. With the first ectopic she didn't get a period but kept doing tests and getting BFNs so thought she mustn't be pregnant.
So whilst I wait for my period to come I start worrying about something that might not ever happen... I start to worry about what if I have an ectopic!
Sometimes I'm a really strong person and know in my heart that it is my choice what I choose to believe and think on and that when I want to I can have control over my mind. But last night, as I slept I dreamt about every scenario I didn't want to happen! As a Christian, I believe that God is above every situation and that I can hand all my worries over to Him so I'm not sure why it is that I so quickly want to go and take them back off him and worry some more!
So I'm going to be praying that Aunt Flo arrives very soon!! Then it will be back to the injections and trying again next month :-)
Praying also for all of you who are having difficult times in your journey to conceive and have the son or daughter you long for! Make sure you are taking lots of care of yourself and remember how valuable you are :-)