Thursday, 28 July 2011

Wanting to stay positive!

Just a quick post... I've been in the 'two week wait' and it's seemed to last an age rather than the two weeks!  My cycle is generally 4 weeks and 3 days but last month's was 4 weeks and 5 days so I've been a bit uncertain of dates and when I could do a test!  My period is due sometime between Sunday and Tuesday next week.

I'm a bit of a testaholic!  It drives my husband mad so I did a couple of sneaky tests last week but for quite obvious reasons they came back negative.  I then did a test a couple of days ago and it was ever so slightly positve... couldn't really call it a big fat positive as it was such a faint line.

I've got my hubby to buy some of the digital tests and done another one and as you will see it is showing as 1 - 2 weeks pregnant!  I'd like to say I'm over the moon but as I've had three pregnancies before that have all ended in miscarriage I've not had the feelings of joy yet!

So I'd really welcome your prayers that we stay positive both mentally. emotionally and also pregnantly! :-)

(Feel a bit bad as I'm telling people on my blog before my family... but don't want the pressure of people who I know knowing just yet if that makes sense)!

Friday, 22 July 2011

bruised and tired in our attempts to conceive

Just a bit of an update from me.  Hope all is well in your lives!

I've had a busy few weeks (getting to grips with a new job, still trying to conceive, injecting daily with my fragmin and generally socially there's been lots on) and I am feeling exhausted.

I am getting more bruised by the day with the fragmin injections and I think I may have to find a new part of my body other than my stomach to inject in as I'm running out of space.  The bruises look quite extreme but actually don't hurt.  What hurts more is when I inject in to a site that I've injected before and then over the course of a day a bruise like the one pictured appears.. not the most attractive of looks!  So I need to choose where to inject next.. my options are my bottom or my thighs!  Aargh... not looking forward to either option!

I'm also now in the two week wait time!  Feeling a bit more pregnant than last month so trying to stay hopeful.  But then I think I possibly get phantom pregnancy feelings because I'm willing my body to be pregnant!  So I'll wait another week before doing a test and let the test give me the true outcome.

Friends have been being completely insensitive as usual.  I've tried to think back to a time when fertility issues didn't cross my mind and wonder if I said similar things that would have been cutting to someone struggling to have a baby.

Last night I went out for a meal for a friend's birthday.  It's a girl who used to be in my housegroup so her and most of the people there know the struggles we've been through and continue to go through.

Despite this I had to sit through a different friend also from my housegroup talking constantly all night about her life as a midwife and the people she knows who've had children.  Seriously she spoke about this all evening.  Then towards the end of the evening the girl whose birthday it was came over to another girl sat next to me (also from housegroup) and said 'I think you should have a baby as I want someone from our housegroup to have a baby'!  Urrm hello... no one flinched or looked uncomfortable with what had been said and all the table had a good giggle about this.  Apart from me and my husband who were left feeling hurt and once again a bit unsure why we spend time with people who are in the main nice and friendly but who really don't try to walk even a metre in our shoes never mind a mile!

We don't expect people to avoid subjects altogether or to walk on egg shells around us but it would be nice for a bit of acknowledgement of the stuff we are going through.  The girl who talked about babies all night is one of the few who knows I'm having injections at the moment... injections that would hopefully keep the baby alive if I did get pregnant.  I just don't understand the level of insensitivity.

I came home feeling hurt and it led me to grieve a friend who sadly passed away suddenly about 5 years ago.  (Strange how these things pop in to your mind without any prompting).  A friend who would have known what to say, who would have comforted me when I was hurting and would have made me laugh and smile when I was feeling down.

Thinking over this it's led me to a couple of things I thought I would share.  Firstly, cherish those in your life who are a blessing as they really are a blessing and sad as it seems we don't know how long we will have these people in our lives.

Secondly I know that God loves me through and through.  It's easy for people to turn away from God when Christians mess up and don't seem to care.  But the truth is we all mess up... we're all human.  Over the past few years I've made the choice to stick by God because He has always been faithful and always will be faithful.  Don't miss the opportunity to have a relationship with God because people haven't reflected His love, kindness or compassion

Take care.  Hoping you have a lovely day and great weekend x

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

hitting a bit of an emotional wall!

Just thought I'd give a bit of an update!

Cycle one on the fragmin came back a BFN and so I'm now in week two of my second month of fragmin injections.  I've hit a bit of a wall emotionally with it.  I felt so positive last month but this one just feels difficult.  Every self-injection is a struggle and I haven't had the same hope I had with cycle one.  This has made me tired and so to be honest enthusiasm to actually even have sex is low this month!  Sorry if too much information but when you know you have to do it it kind of takes away the spontaneity!  But we're persevering ;-) so who knows!

As is the case when you are struggling with a situation, random conversations tend to happen around you so today at work (where I've been working just three weeks), two members of staff were talking about a family member who'd had a miscarriage.  It got round to talking about trying for a baby and one of them not so helpfully said that someone she knew had left it four years after getting married to try for a baby and was now in her early thirties and getting passed it as her body wouldn't function as well as in her 20s!!!

I couldn't believe what I was hearing... well I could as this girl seems to continually spout rubbish all day every day!...  But as someone who is 31 with 3 miscarriages under my belt this was like a red rag to a bull!  As a fairly new member of staff I haven't said anything, probably thankfully for her, but it's left me a tad annoyed and if I'm honest has added to my lack of positivity this month.

I know God has a plan and I truly believe that God will work all things for good in my life but it doesn't make it easy.  I promise to write something more positive soon... but I want to be honest in my blog and this season of my life isn't an easy one!

Hoping all you reading my blog are having a great week and are moving towards your dreams with positivity and hope!  It's what I'm going to try to do :-)

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

update on our TTC attempts - 5th July 2011

Just thought I'd do a brief blog to update on my situation...  my period finally started on Wednesday last week.  Was a big relief on one hand as I'd allowed myself to panic about all that might be going wrong with my body.  But it was also a major disappointment on the other hand!

I had terrible period pain so spent my day off in bed and then the following day came down with a bug and spent that day in bed too!  Think I'm feeling run down with it all at the moment.  Certainly felt very fed up over the weekend.

So I'm back on the fragmin blood thinning injections tomorrow to start month two of trying.  I need to be more planned as to where I put the injections this time as I was beginning to struggle to find somewhere to put them as I was so bruised and sore last time.

Really hope it works this time as we'd said we'd give it two months and then explore other options.  Not sure at the end of this month I won't start thinking let's just try another month but that could just go on and on.  So the plan is try this month, if I'm pregnant we'll have a short break locally.  If I'm not pregnant we're booking a late deal abroad and we'll assess the situation then!

So please pray for us.  We need all the encouragement we can get at the moment as feeling quite discouraged from last month's attempts!