Monday, 30 May 2011

An update on ttc

So just thought I'd give you an update as to where me and my husband are at in our attempts to have a baby!

If you've read my previous blogs you'll know that we've had three miscarriages, the most recent being in February of this year.  The Doctors have identified that I have a pro thrombin mutant gene so suggested last year that when I got pregnant I get in touch straight away so that I could have daily blood thinners.  (It's thought that my thicker blood prevents nutrients getting to the baby which in turn causes the miscarriage).

I followed this advice in February but unfortunately started bleeding on the day I had my appointment with haematology to get the injections and consequently lost the baby.

... So this time the advice is to have daily blood thinning injections (fragmin) from when I start trying to conceive!  We've our appointment with haematology a week on Thursday so we're going to start trying this month!  Quite nervous but trying to stay calm and really, really want everything to be ok this time!

Also really hope we get pregnant quickly as I've got a bit of a phobia of needles!!! So the less time I have to inject them the better!  Better still, my husband is going to be taught to inject me so we both have visions of him running after me round the house trying to pin me down to inject me! aargh!  I'm sure I'll get better and more relaxed about this with time and practice!

So a week and a half of having fun, doing relaxing things and then appointment with haematology and the trying starts again!

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Why do my hormones have to get the better of me??

Why is that when it's the time of the month everything gets blown out of all proportion??

I had a situation the other day that made me laugh afterwards but it was all down to my ridiculous hormones getting the better of me!

I'd gone shopping with my husband and somehow managed to stub my finger on a shelf in a shop... it definitely hurt but at that moment in time I behaved as if someone had chopped my finger off not that it had had a minor bump.

I felt extremely sorry for myself so I left my husband in the shop and went out in to the street in the hope that I'd be able to pull myself together... I found myself a bench to sit on where I could quietly try and fight my tears back... I just so happened to pick a bench that a new mum decided would be a good place to sit too.

So I'm feeling hormonal, my finger is throbbing and then a throng of women decide to come over and congratulate the new mum next to me on her beautiful new arrival...

... this was all I could take.  I found my husband and couldn't help but burst in to tears.  In the middle of a busy street, I'm holding my finger somewhat pathetically and crying in to my husband's shoulder!  Childish doesn't even go there... the best bit though was when a lady came running over to us looking very concerned and asked I was ok and could she take a look at my injury as she was a nurse!!

In an instant I realised how ridiculous I'd been and couldn't stop laughing!

So please someone explain to me why us women have hormones that turn us in to crying, irrational wrecks for a couple of days each month!  Thankfully my finger is now fine and I've lived to tell the tale!

Thursday, 26 May 2011

confident, courageous and beautiful

Last year at the time I had my 2nd miscarriage, my friend bought me a beautiful notebook with a quote on the front and on the back cover.  I love the words on the book and so want to share them to encourage you this morning...

On the front cover it says...
'Tomorrow belongs to the confident and courageous who refuse to give up on their dreams'

Reading peoples' blogs and tweets of people who, like me, long for a baby I read about so many of you who are confident and courageous so be inspired not to give up on your dreams

And on the back cover it says...
Once upon a time
heaven dreamed a dream
and that dream was you,
beautiful you...
and you are beautiful, truly beautiful...
Perhaps you don't see it
but you have a tag attached to you
tied with the strongest ribbons
It is a tag that can never be removed
and these are the words heaven has written up on it...
"You always have been and always will be
perfect and beautiful to me...
created by design... a gift to this world"

(notebook created by

Never forget that you were created by design and that no matter how you are feeling God always see you as beautiful! x

Monday, 23 May 2011

Praising God in every circumstance

I've recently been reading 'Blessed Be Your Name' by Matt and Beth Redman.  This book was written following them writing the well known worship song of the same name.  This book shares stories from their own personal experiences and shows how painful experiences and our choices can either propel us toward God or away from Him, build up our faith or break it.

For those of you who are Christians you will have probably have heard this song but for those who haven't I recommend you listen to it.  It's a great song and in essence it is a song that talks about worshipping God always being a choice.  The book explains it as 'when life is peaceful and painless, the choice to respond to God in thanksgiving and praise may not be such a hard one to make.  But at other times in our lives worship becomes a much gutsier decision'.

I hadn't realised until a couple of weeks ago that Beth (like me) suffered three miscarriages in a row.  This experience was part of the reason behind writing the song.  Here are a few snippets from her story told in the book:

'When Matt and I suffered the loss of a baby again and again, I began to do what so many of us do when we're in pain - to notice how others around me were being prospered and blessed...

... To see the tiny frame of a baby's body, lifeless on a screen, with no heartbeat; and then at an early stage of pregnancy , to have to go through a mini-labour and hand that baby back to Jesus - that was one of the hardest times of my life.  Why was it happening?  Then to lose two more babies in a row, even when I'd sought God so hard, was almost more than I could handle.  Bitterness started to beckon'

Beth says in the book that she realised as she grieved each loss that the longing for a baby was becoming all that she could talk to God about.  The need to have a baby had become everything and she needed to realise that even if she never had another baby, God had already given her everything she needed in Christ Jesus.

As a Christian, Beth's story has really challenged me as I relate to every single part of it - the all consuming grief that has at times taken over all my thinking, the jealousy of other peoples' blessing.  Beth explains that she came to a point where in the depths of her heart she knew that God himself is all that she needs.  She came to a point where she knew that 'if it was God's will for us to hold another baby in our arms, then no closed womb, no condition doctors cannot explain, no age barrier or genetic condition could ever hold back his plan'.

I am so challenged by Beth's testimony - to stay in the place that continually trusts God and acknowledges God is all I need!  I believe in miracles and know that if God wants me to have a baby then it will happen but I equally need to come to a point where in the depths of my heart I know that God is all I need.

Soon after Beth's miscarriage, her and Matt felt challenged by the words of 1 Thessalonians 5: 16 which says 'Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus'

I encourage you to read this book as it has reminded me that through the good and the bad God remains faithful.

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

A weary week!

Weary I think is a good word to describe how I'm feeling this week!

I'm on the final leg of my notice for redundancy and finish next Wed... so was very glad when I realised I've got two days leave to take so now I only have to work Tuesday and Wednesday and then I'm officially unemployed!

Motivation has been at an all time low at work and then I've had the pleasure of finding out all about various people either having babies or getting pregnant.  I hate facebook for that.  In the past you would have been blissfully unaware but now it's the best tool for sharing your 'good news' with your 'friends'.

The hardest discovery of pregnancy this week was a friend who has been really supportive to me over my losses, to the point of offering to come to hospital appointments if my husband can't make them.  She's really cared and been thoughtful and I've been really grateful for it as not many people have.  But I'm a little upset that I've found out she's pregnant through her husband's facebook announcement saying that 'after weeks of waiting he can finally announce that he's going to be a Daddy'.  I wanted to post a response to say 'try waiting a few years and then still not being able to make that announcement'.... but I realise that would show me for the bitter person I have become recently!

I still haven't actually been told that she's pregnant so I'll see how long it takes to tell me... though equally in the back of my mind I do know it must be one of those bad situations that you really wouldn't want to face - telling the person who has been trying for years to conceive that you are now pregnant after not really trying!

I'm still waiting for the results of the chromosome tests that I had done back in February after my third miscarriage.  Chased them up earlier this week and they said someone would call me back... I'm still waiting for the call but maybe it will be today.  This test is pretty crucial in whether we try again in June or not.  If they are clear we will, if they show potential problems we will wait to see the Consultant Gynaecologist in August.

So with the thought that we might be trying in June, I've rung haematology today to book in to get my fragmin injections sorted for when we try next!  Yey!!  I can't wait for the daily battle of having my husband inject me in my stomach!

I'm trying to feel more upbeat but honestly I am struggling this month... as I said before this time last year I was waiting for my body to miscarry after having a scan that showed that my 2nd pregnancy had ended without me knowing, so I'm finding it all a little bit tough.

Quite thankful to be finishing work... it will give me time to recharge my batteries, to take care of myself and to hopefully be ready to try again.  We just need to make sure we cut our cloth accordingly as the loss of income is the definite downside.

I honestly believe in God's timing and am sure that these experiences won't be put to waste but at the same time at the moment I feel truly crap!  Keep hoping I can write a really inspiring, happy blog sometime soon but at the moment that's just not how I am feeling.

Off to run a bath, to relax and pamper myself!

Take care and thank you for reading x

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Feeling sadness when I want to feel joy!

I tried to wait to write a blog until I was feeling in a bit more positive mood but the positive mood doesn't seem to be arriving any time soon!  I really wanted to write an upbeat, life is great blog as I'm conscious that people reading this may think that I spend my time feeling sorry for myself... I promise I don't (well not all the time anyway)! ;-)

My mood has shifted to be one of sadness since I moved in to the time of year that I found out I was pregnant last year (I found out I was pregnant on 22nd April last year) so I guess I hope that when I move past the time of year when I had my 2nd miscarriage my mood will improve?  So I'll hopefully be feeling a bit better come mid-June!

I hate the fact that I'm so jealous of others, that when my best friend (the one who got pregnant by accident when I had my 2nd miscarriage) told me that she was spending today going out to lunch with people from her antenatal group that I couldn't be happy for her but that all I could think was I want that!

I want to stop feeling so lonely in my situation but this month it just seems impossible to do.  Tomorrow I'll be at my niece's first birthday party.  I should be happy but all I can think is 'I don't want to be surrounded by all those Mum's and babies'.

My plan (in between my tears) is to get ready to try again in June.  I'm trying my best to have a bit of a health kick as I've not been overly motivated to eat well and exercise since my 3rd miscarriage earlier this year so I'd like to feel healthier and be in the best condition to conceive.

Next week I'll contact the Haematologist Consultant so I can book an appointment for me and my husband to discuss the blood thinners.  This time I've been told I should start the daily blood thinners before I get pregnant so my husband is going to need to be trained in injecting me.  Praying my phobia of needles is overcome quickly as a week of the injections when I had my last miscarriage was quite traumatic... but people go through worse so I'm going to get on with it and do it!  I'm also praying that I get pregnant quickly as I don't want to have the blood thinners for any longer than I need to and at best I think it will be for a year... i.e. before I get pregnant, through the pregnancy and then for a couple of months afterwards (I'm going to be black and blue as these injections really bruise)!

Anyway, off to have my evening meal... husband is out tonight so I'm going to have something nice and watch something fun on TV.  Hope this blog hasn't been too much of a ramble of words... I read other peoples' blogs and they are so eloquent.  I love reading them so I apologise if mine sometimes jumps from thought to thought!

Praying for all of you who read this who are struggling in some way, whether that's with infertility, miscarriage or something completely unrelated to trying for a baby.  I know that God is faithful and He provides.  It doesn't make the situation any easier but He has got a plan!  I pray that you would find comfort in Him and trust in Him for your future.  I'll be praying for your and my miracle to happen in God's perfect timing.