Saturday, 7 May 2011

Feeling sadness when I want to feel joy!

I tried to wait to write a blog until I was feeling in a bit more positive mood but the positive mood doesn't seem to be arriving any time soon!  I really wanted to write an upbeat, life is great blog as I'm conscious that people reading this may think that I spend my time feeling sorry for myself... I promise I don't (well not all the time anyway)! ;-)

My mood has shifted to be one of sadness since I moved in to the time of year that I found out I was pregnant last year (I found out I was pregnant on 22nd April last year) so I guess I hope that when I move past the time of year when I had my 2nd miscarriage my mood will improve?  So I'll hopefully be feeling a bit better come mid-June!

I hate the fact that I'm so jealous of others, that when my best friend (the one who got pregnant by accident when I had my 2nd miscarriage) told me that she was spending today going out to lunch with people from her antenatal group that I couldn't be happy for her but that all I could think was I want that!

I want to stop feeling so lonely in my situation but this month it just seems impossible to do.  Tomorrow I'll be at my niece's first birthday party.  I should be happy but all I can think is 'I don't want to be surrounded by all those Mum's and babies'.

My plan (in between my tears) is to get ready to try again in June.  I'm trying my best to have a bit of a health kick as I've not been overly motivated to eat well and exercise since my 3rd miscarriage earlier this year so I'd like to feel healthier and be in the best condition to conceive.

Next week I'll contact the Haematologist Consultant so I can book an appointment for me and my husband to discuss the blood thinners.  This time I've been told I should start the daily blood thinners before I get pregnant so my husband is going to need to be trained in injecting me.  Praying my phobia of needles is overcome quickly as a week of the injections when I had my last miscarriage was quite traumatic... but people go through worse so I'm going to get on with it and do it!  I'm also praying that I get pregnant quickly as I don't want to have the blood thinners for any longer than I need to and at best I think it will be for a year... i.e. before I get pregnant, through the pregnancy and then for a couple of months afterwards (I'm going to be black and blue as these injections really bruise)!

Anyway, off to have my evening meal... husband is out tonight so I'm going to have something nice and watch something fun on TV.  Hope this blog hasn't been too much of a ramble of words... I read other peoples' blogs and they are so eloquent.  I love reading them so I apologise if mine sometimes jumps from thought to thought!

Praying for all of you who read this who are struggling in some way, whether that's with infertility, miscarriage or something completely unrelated to trying for a baby.  I know that God is faithful and He provides.  It doesn't make the situation any easier but He has got a plan!  I pray that you would find comfort in Him and trust in Him for your future.  I'll be praying for your and my miracle to happen in God's perfect timing.


  1. Hi sweetheart! You are not alone! My husband and I were diagnosed infertility 3 years ago. I have seen my friends having babies left to right since then and feel that my life is on hold. I feel jealous, sad, upset,,, all the time, but at the same time, I have to accept my reality. Having 3 miscarriage that you had to go through is beyond what I can comprehend. Stay strong though! I am doing IVF in aug, to see if I have even the slightest chance of conceiving..

  2. So sorry to hear of the struggles you've had! It's such a difficult thing to go through. I get annoyed at myself for not being more accepting of my reality and for getting so jealous and upset of others!

    Will be praying for your IVF and for your dream to become a reality! Would love you to keep me posted on how you get on. I really really hope it works out for you first time :-) (My sister has two IVF babies & so keep believing for your baby and I will be thinking of you when you start your treatment)!

    Big hugs to you too and take lots of care of yourself!

  3. Hey hun,

    You are not alone. I have had experienced 2 consecutive miscarriages, my most recent being January 31st of this year.

    You mentioned blood thinners. I am assuming you have a blood clotting disorder that may be causing the miscarriages? That is the last blood test that I am waiting for to come back- the thrombaphilia one before we start TTC again (hopefully later this month/beginning of June!).

    ((HUGS)), dear...

  4. Hey

    Thanks for the post. I'm really sorry to hear about your two miscarriages. Hope you are doing ok and are getting lots of support :-)

    I had some blood tests after my second miscarriage and they found that I have a pro thrombin mutant gene. Apparently it's not a major problem generally but can stop nutrients getting to the baby when I conceive. Unfortunately I didn't start the injections soon enough with my 3rd m/c and had started bleeding on the day I had my appt at haematology to get the injections. so I've been told next time I need to start them before I start trying.

    I'm just waiting for results of further tests (that seem to be taking an age to come back before hopefully trying again in June). Hope all works out for you in June and that you conceive quickly with a healthy pregnancy :-) I'd love to hear how you get on... looks like we'll likely be trying again at a similar time to you!

    Take lots of care and thanks for your support x