Sunday, 24 April 2011

looking back and trying to look forward

I've found this weekend difficult on a number of levels and to be honest it's made me grumpy, irritable, upset and not very nice to be around.

On 22nd April last year I found out I was pregnant (my 2nd pregnancy after the 1st ended in miscarriage in 2009).  I was so full of hope and happiness as I genuinely didn't think that this one would also end in miscarriage.  A year has passed and I have now had three miscarriages (one at the end of May last year and one at the beginning of Feb this year and the previous one in October 2009).

My hormones have been going against me this weekend as I know I have bad PMT but unfortunately this has just made me dwell on the past and I've found myself in floods of tears pretty much constantly! 

Yesterday (23rd April) was my 6th wedding anniversary.  I love being married and I'm happy to have had six years of marriage.  But sadly this year it was a reminder of six years and still no successful pregnancy.

Today is Easter Sunday.  I love celebrating Easter... a time to remember and thank God for the resurrection of Jesus and new life in Him.  Today, however, most of what I thought about was how unfair it is that everyone I know seems to have children who they can do Easter Egg hunts with!

This weekend has been one where I have spent most of my time feeling sorry for myself!  I'm not proud of it but it's the truth.  I've spent my time worrying about when we try again for a baby and thinking about the daily injections I'll have to have despite my needle phobia.  As I sit here now I can feel myself welling up ready to cry again.

I've also found it hard as a family friend passed away suddenly a few days ago.  There was no ill health and no warning.  A reminder of the frailty of life.  I so want my family to be around always!  To be around when I hopefully start a family... there's no reason why they won't be but unfortunately times like this show us that our time is not our own and we can't take things or people for granted.

This weekend has been one of my most difficult in a long while and I can't seem to shake off my sadness, loss and upset.  So I have pondered... is it ok to sometimes have a weep and a cry and to feel sorry for myself?  I think God shares my tears and my hurts and anguish.  Today that doesn't make me feel any better but I know God's unfailing love is true.

I now just need to find a way back to living in the present and hoping in my future.  I'm sure when my period comes in a day or two and my hormones settle down my mood will improve but until then I think a big box of tissues is required :-)

Please pray for me as I pray for you!  Thanks for reading :-)

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