Monday, 4 April 2011

The rollercoaster of emotions in trying to conceive

I don't know about you but one of the things I've found whilst trying to have a baby is that over a short period of time you can experience extremes of emotions... I feel like this weekend has proved that!

I started out Friday morning feeling thankful, hopeful and aware that things could be worse!  I then went to visit a friend who'd just had a baby and to be honest found it ok... it's not always ok with such visits.  But I enjoyed cuddling the baby and had that hope that maybe next time we try it will work and I will have a baby!

On Saturday I then started getting a bit glum.  It started off with a letter through the post to say that my appointment with the gynaecologist will be on 1st August!  (I miscarried at the beginning of Feb and was told that my appointment should follow quickly and be no more than a 10 to 12 week wait)!

I then started getting myself down with the prospect of Mother's day!  I love showing my Mum (and my Dad) how much they mean to me.  But the prospect of yet another Mother's Day without a baby really upset me!  Technology at times does great things but I could have done without it over the weekend.  Reading all the happy, joyful messages that people I knew had written on facebook about how wonderful it was being a Mum, what a fabulous day they were having with their beautiful children who'd bought them gifts etc etc.

Mother's Day came, I focused on cooking my parents a meal which we all enjoyed but the day was tinged with sadness and jealousy!  I'd like to say that I was fine that I didn't spend time feeling sorry for myself... but that's not true I did!

But today, well today's another day!  I woke up feeling a bit more positive (perhaps a little bit glad that yesterday was over).  I decided to ring the Doctor's to see if I could get the results of my blood tests from February over the phone as I was meant to be getting them at my gynae appointment.  We want to start trying again in June and the appointment, as I've said, isn't until April.  So I've spoken to the secretary, she seemed a bit uncomfortable on the phone about giving me my results and has booked me in this afternoon to see a Doctor... I'm now a bit suspicious - either it's her excellent customer service or they've something to tell me that I won't like!  Praying it's the first option!  Also a little bit embarrassed as the last time I saw the Doctor I'm seeing this afternoon was the day after my miscarriage started and I had quite a bad panic attack in her room!

Oh well, I'll just have to see how my appointment goes... but as I've said my emotions are like they are on a rollercoaster ride at times with all the ups and downs and twists and turns!

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