Saturday, 4 June 2011

feeling such a failure

Well I'm blogging today as to be honest feeling really low and fed up with myself.  My husband is out this afternoon so unfortunately you're going to have to read my woes!

So today is a year and a day since I had my second miscarriage.  I thought I was doing so well, yesterday came and went without much drama.  I felt pretty unwell as I suffer from IBS when I'm stressed so figured my body was telling me that actually all was not well with my soul!

Anyway, today I was meant to be at a hen do all day.  The bridesmaid had organised all sorts of activities and I had strategically planned to go to the ones that my pregnant friend wasn't at.  Pathetic I know but I haven't seen her since she announced her pregnancy and I just didn't feel up to doing all the gushing congratulations etc so I decided the best thing was to go to the activities she wasn't going to (i.e. the morning and afternoon).

Unfortunately said pregnant friend decided to come to the afternoon activities and so I've given my apologies said I'm a bit under the weather and left before she arrived.  I know I looked rude and I certainly wouldn't want to put a dampener on someone's hen do but I couldn't face it.  So I've returned home tearful and feeling a failure.

This last week I went to Cherish 2011 (a women's conference at Abundant Life Church in Bradford).  The singer/ songwriter Natalie Grant was performing at Cherish.  Natalie has been through her own journey of trying to conceive and now has three beautiful girls.  I've attached a song that she wrote. %20I really relate to the introduction that Natalie gives to this song in the clip about trying to paint a smile on my face when I'm feeling really broken.  I recommend you listening to some of Natalie's music or getting hold of one of her CDs as her songs are really heartfelt.

It's great to know that God loves me just as I am!


  1. What a touching post. You are not at all a failure! You are facing a very painful anniversary and it's healthy for you to protect your heart right now. Your friends may or may not understand, but you definitely have a huge group of people here who do understand.
    Praying for you today. Thank you for sharing.

  2. Thanks so much Julia for your kind words. I really appreciate your prayers! They mean a lot xx