It's been a while since I posted a blog... I even had to re-read my last blog post to see where I'd got to with what I put last time.
I haven't been able to put my finger on why I've not wanted to blog, I've also not been posting on twitter much. It was during a time of insomnia that my reason came to me. (I am exhausted all the time but still seem to have moments in the middle of the night when my brain is whirling and I can't switch off).
As some of you may know I am in the first trimester of pregnancy. I've had three miscarriages before and this is my fourth pregnancy. The hope is that this time all will be well as I'm having daily blood thinning injections that hopefully are ensuring that the baby gets all the nutrients it needs. Well I'm now around 8 weeks and 5 days. I've a scan on Saturday morning and at that point I should be 9 weeks and 2 days.
Anyway, back to my reason for not blogging or twittering.... the reason that came to me in the dark of night was that I've realised I don't want to make the pregnancy real in my own mind if it may not work again. I appreciate this may sound super negative but I've been crushed by previous miscarriages and I've realised I'm playing down my pregnancy, not mentioning it and avoiding getting into conversations on twitter etc because the more I get caught up in it, the more it becomes real in my own mind, the more I have to lose. I long to be one of those people without past hurts who has not had a loss of pregnancy so doesn't have that real knowledge that something can go wrong.
As a Christian, it's a difficult one as God is all powerful and I know I should trust in Him. But does trusting in Him mean that nothing bad ever happens... unfortunately not. Yet in Proverbs 3: 5 it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding". Clearly at the moment I'm leaning on my own understanding. I'm remembering the hurts of the past and fearing hurts of the future. God knows my weaknesses and I'm thankful that His grace covers these. He has always been faithful through the good and the bad.
Despite my fears I have hope that my scan on Saturday will go well so I'm praying and hoping and staying close to God who is my refuge who always offers me a place of safety, love and acceptance.
Praying for all those of you in the twitter community who are waiting for your miracle and for those of you who are grieving loss.