Wow my little girl is nearly one :-)

Well I've been prompted to write a new blog from a kind comment on one of my last posts... I cannot believe that my last post was in December 2011!!!  I'm really sorry to not have updated you all with our happy news.

I became a mum to the most beautiful girl on 4th April 2012.. so as the title of my blog says she is now almost one year old!  It has been the most incredible exciting journey and I absolutely love being a Mum.

It is strange as although I remember all the difficulties I went through to get my little girl (as previous posts will tell you I had 3 miscarriages and it took from starting trying in 2008 to having my little girl in 2012 and that felt like a long time with lots of pain in the process).  But I just feel so so incredibly blessed and most (probably in honesty not all) of the pain of trying has gone as she is such a living, breathing, not quite walking yet miracle!!

I ended up being induced a week before my due date as with the blood thinning injections I was on my haematologist thought it safer for me to have a controlled labour.  However, my little girl didn't want to come out at this point so rather disappointingly I had to have a c section... But despite that I had the kindest, the most fantastic staff at the hospital and really felt the Lord was looking over me and taking care of me and my daughter.  There is probably a blog post in itself about my birth story :-)  I'm not the bravest of sorts (and as you may have read) I started this journey with a HUGE fear of needles so to have the courage to go through a C Section was quite a massive thing in itself.

This year has been wonderful.  My little girl has brought me and my husband so much joy.  She is a little smiler and I can't really remember or imagine my life without her.

Anyway, that is a very quick overview of my life since my last post.  If you are reading this and going through fertility difficulties I pray that God will meet you in your need and that you will be surrounded by His everlasting love.  He cherishes and loves you so I pray that you would seek Him.

I know that I have been blessed beyond blessed and don't take any day with my little girl for granted as she is just incredible!

No greater gift than love

The Bible talks a lot about loving one another... in fact Jesus said that after loving God loving one another is the next greatest commandment.

Over the past few weeks I've been a little overwhelmed by what other people are going through and wondered what I really could do to support so many people.  But I think what's become clear in my mind is the need or me to start somewhere... to do something.  To not be so caught up in the mountain of problems that I end up standing still without offering anything.

Mother Teresa had so much to say about this.  Here are a few of her quotes that will hopefully inspire you:

• Even the rich are hungry for love, for being care for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own
• If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one
• Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love
• Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty
• Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home
• Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand
• One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody
• Spread love everywhere you go.  Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier
• The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted
• The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread
• Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness

If you are reading this, I would like you to know that you were created in God's image and that in your darkest days God watches over you and weeps with you.  When you celebrate He is celebrating too.  Know that you are loved by your creator!

I hope that you have a lovely Christmas filled with peace and love :-)

20 weeks 5 days

It's been a loooong while since I posted on here!  I think it was at least 3 months ago!  So just a quick update from me...

If you read my previous update you will know that I am pregnant.  I am now 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  I have found pregnancy firstly a huge answer to prayer but in equal measure I have found it really difficult to relax in to being pregnant.  With the blood condition I have (pro thrombin mutant gene or its more medical term hetrozygous gene for prothrombin) I am on daily blood thinners throughout the pregnancy.  This is to ensure that my placenta functions properly and the baby gets the nutrients it needs to stay alive.  So far so good, I can now feel the baby which is a daily reassurance that she is doing fine.

My blood condition has meant that I have found it really hard to not worry that I would lose another baby.  But this week (after my 20 week scan last Friday) I am now feeling happier that in just a few months time me and my husband will have a baby! :-)

I think the reason for my lack of posting has been that I haven't known what to put and today I feel like I am rambling a bit :-) so please bear with me!  I have wanted to get excited but equally known that this would mean a bigger fall should anything go wrong.  I've thought about posting about my worries but thought actually it is a BIG blessing that I am getting closer to the reality of being able to have my own baby and so my worries and fears pale in to insignificance with others.

My heart and prayers are with those of you reading this blog who are on the journey to trying to conceive.  It's a difficult place to be and I've cried many tears of brokenness over my 4 years of attempts and miscarriages so I pray that as you come into December and the end of this year your spirits will be lifted and that 2012 will be an amazing time of opportunities, new beginnings, answered prayers and fulfilled dreams.

If you are a praying person me and my DH would be really blessed if you prayed a quick prayer for our baby that she is kept safe throughout my pregnancy and that she is born healthy and happy in Spring next year.  My due date is 8th April 2012

first blog for a few week's... my feelings on my 4th pregnancy so far!

It's been a while since I posted a blog... I even had to re-read my last blog post to see where I'd got to with what I put last time.

I haven't been able to put my finger on why I've not wanted to blog, I've also not been posting on twitter much.  It was during a time of insomnia that my reason came to me.  (I am exhausted all the time but still seem to have moments in the middle of the night when my brain is whirling and I can't switch off).

As some of you may know I am in the first trimester of pregnancy.  I've had three miscarriages before and this is my fourth pregnancy.  The hope is that this time all will be well as I'm having daily blood thinning injections that hopefully are ensuring that the baby gets all the nutrients it needs.  Well I'm now around 8 weeks and 5 days.  I've a scan on Saturday morning and at that point I should be 9 weeks and 2 days.

Anyway, back to my reason for not blogging or twittering.... the reason that came to me in the dark of night was that I've realised I don't want to make the pregnancy real in my own mind if it may not work again.  I appreciate this may sound super negative but I've been crushed by previous miscarriages and I've realised I'm playing down my pregnancy, not mentioning it and avoiding getting into conversations on twitter etc because the more I get caught up in it, the more it becomes real in my own mind, the more I have to lose.  I long to be one of those people without past hurts who has not had a loss of pregnancy so doesn't have that real knowledge that something can go wrong.

As a Christian, it's a difficult one as God is all powerful and I know I should trust in Him.  But does trusting in Him mean that nothing bad ever happens... unfortunately not.  Yet in Proverbs 3: 5 it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding".  Clearly at the moment I'm leaning on my own understanding.  I'm remembering the hurts of the past and fearing hurts of the future.  God knows my weaknesses and I'm thankful that His grace covers these.  He has always been faithful through the good and the bad.

Despite my fears I have hope that my scan on Saturday will go well so I'm praying and hoping and staying close to God who is my refuge who always offers me a place of safety, love and acceptance.

Praying for all those of you in the twitter community who are waiting for your miracle and for those of you who are grieving loss.

Six week scan tomorrow!

I thought I'd just do a quick post as I'm nervously sat at home thinking about the six week scan I am having tomorrow!

I am trying to keep calm and keep my mind off all the potential problems!  This isn't easy as my mind keeps taking me back to them.. I've only ever had scans when there have been problems - either to confirm a miscarriage and check that all was now ok with my body or when I had a six week scan last year that showed a missed miscarriage.  My sister has also suffered from two ectopic pregnancies so I have that added fear in my list of what could go wrong!  :-(

My over active mind has taken to considering what I would do if they delivered bad news... would I opt for waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally or opt for the operation or to take the termination tablet.  If I had an ectopic I'd need an operation and that would terrify me!  DH is trying to keep me on the straight and narrow is giving me lots of support.  There is no reason why this scan should show anything is wrong but with three miscarriages under my belt my mind wants to tell me otherwise!  I'm definitely having a battle with my mind!

I know I should be positive.  Not least because to have a positive test and to be at six weeks without any bleeding is a first for me.  But I want to be honest with people that I am struggling to stay positive.  I should be excited about the scan but when I let myself I become full of anxiety.

People who follow me on twitter may have seen my comment yesterday about my obsession to check that my boobs are still hurting.  Lol!  The wish to be pregnant, stay pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby makes us do some fairly daft things.  But I guess these daft things are what are keeping me sane at the moment!

I'm had a bit of nausea and have been sleeping lots so I'm taking those as good signs.

So please pray that all will go well tomorrow, that the scan will show a healthy pregnancy and that me and DH will have complete peace!  Think of me in the morning when I'm sat in the waiting room with a full bladder hoping that all will be ok... I've got a bladder the size of a pea at the best of times so it is quite a feat for me to sit with a full bladder and be full of nerves too.  So prayers very very much appreciated! xx

Wanting to stay positive!

Just a quick post... I've been in the 'two week wait' and it's seemed to last an age rather than the two weeks!  My cycle is generally 4 weeks and 3 days but last month's was 4 weeks and 5 days so I've been a bit uncertain of dates and when I could do a test!  My period is due sometime between Sunday and Tuesday next week.

I'm a bit of a testaholic!  It drives my husband mad so I did a couple of sneaky tests last week but for quite obvious reasons they came back negative.  I then did a test a couple of days ago and it was ever so slightly positve... couldn't really call it a big fat positive as it was such a faint line.

I've got my hubby to buy some of the digital tests and done another one and as you will see it is showing as 1 - 2 weeks pregnant!  I'd like to say I'm over the moon but as I've had three pregnancies before that have all ended in miscarriage I've not had the feelings of joy yet!

So I'd really welcome your prayers that we stay positive both mentally. emotionally and also pregnantly! :-)

(Feel a bit bad as I'm telling people on my blog before my family... but don't want the pressure of people who I know knowing just yet if that makes sense)!

bruised and tired in our attempts to conceive

Just a bit of an update from me.  Hope all is well in your lives!

I've had a busy few weeks (getting to grips with a new job, still trying to conceive, injecting daily with my fragmin and generally socially there's been lots on) and I am feeling exhausted.

I am getting more bruised by the day with the fragmin injections and I think I may have to find a new part of my body other than my stomach to inject in as I'm running out of space.  The bruises look quite extreme but actually don't hurt.  What hurts more is when I inject in to a site that I've injected before and then over the course of a day a bruise like the one pictured appears.. not the most attractive of looks!  So I need to choose where to inject next.. my options are my bottom or my thighs!  Aargh... not looking forward to either option!

I'm also now in the two week wait time!  Feeling a bit more pregnant than last month so trying to stay hopeful.  But then I think I possibly get phantom pregnancy feelings because I'm willing my body to be pregnant!  So I'll wait another week before doing a test and let the test give me the true outcome.

Friends have been being completely insensitive as usual.  I've tried to think back to a time when fertility issues didn't cross my mind and wonder if I said similar things that would have been cutting to someone struggling to have a baby.

Last night I went out for a meal for a friend's birthday.  It's a girl who used to be in my housegroup so her and most of the people there know the struggles we've been through and continue to go through.

Despite this I had to sit through a different friend also from my housegroup talking constantly all night about her life as a midwife and the people she knows who've had children.  Seriously she spoke about this all evening.  Then towards the end of the evening the girl whose birthday it was came over to another girl sat next to me (also from housegroup) and said 'I think you should have a baby as I want someone from our housegroup to have a baby'!  Urrm hello... no one flinched or looked uncomfortable with what had been said and all the table had a good giggle about this.  Apart from me and my husband who were left feeling hurt and once again a bit unsure why we spend time with people who are in the main nice and friendly but who really don't try to walk even a metre in our shoes never mind a mile!

We don't expect people to avoid subjects altogether or to walk on egg shells around us but it would be nice for a bit of acknowledgement of the stuff we are going through.  The girl who talked about babies all night is one of the few who knows I'm having injections at the moment... injections that would hopefully keep the baby alive if I did get pregnant.  I just don't understand the level of insensitivity.

I came home feeling hurt and it led me to grieve a friend who sadly passed away suddenly about 5 years ago.  (Strange how these things pop in to your mind without any prompting).  A friend who would have known what to say, who would have comforted me when I was hurting and would have made me laugh and smile when I was feeling down.

Thinking over this it's led me to a couple of things I thought I would share.  Firstly, cherish those in your life who are a blessing as they really are a blessing and sad as it seems we don't know how long we will have these people in our lives.

Secondly I know that God loves me through and through.  It's easy for people to turn away from God when Christians mess up and don't seem to care.  But the truth is we all mess up... we're all human.  Over the past few years I've made the choice to stick by God because He has always been faithful and always will be faithful.  Don't miss the opportunity to have a relationship with God because people haven't reflected His love, kindness or compassion

Take care.  Hoping you have a lovely day and great weekend x

hitting a bit of an emotional wall!

Just thought I'd give a bit of an update!

Cycle one on the fragmin came back a BFN and so I'm now in week two of my second month of fragmin injections.  I've hit a bit of a wall emotionally with it.  I felt so positive last month but this one just feels difficult.  Every self-injection is a struggle and I haven't had the same hope I had with cycle one.  This has made me tired and so to be honest enthusiasm to actually even have sex is low this month!  Sorry if too much information but when you know you have to do it it kind of takes away the spontaneity!  But we're persevering ;-) so who knows!

As is the case when you are struggling with a situation, random conversations tend to happen around you so today at work (where I've been working just three weeks), two members of staff were talking about a family member who'd had a miscarriage.  It got round to talking about trying for a baby and one of them not so helpfully said that someone she knew had left it four years after getting married to try for a baby and was now in her early thirties and getting passed it as her body wouldn't function as well as in her 20s!!!

I couldn't believe what I was hearing... well I could as this girl seems to continually spout rubbish all day every day!...  But as someone who is 31 with 3 miscarriages under my belt this was like a red rag to a bull!  As a fairly new member of staff I haven't said anything, probably thankfully for her, but it's left me a tad annoyed and if I'm honest has added to my lack of positivity this month.

I know God has a plan and I truly believe that God will work all things for good in my life but it doesn't make it easy.  I promise to write something more positive soon... but I want to be honest in my blog and this season of my life isn't an easy one!

Hoping all you reading my blog are having a great week and are moving towards your dreams with positivity and hope!  It's what I'm going to try to do :-)

update on our TTC attempts - 5th July 2011

Just thought I'd do a brief blog to update on my situation...  my period finally started on Wednesday last week.  Was a big relief on one hand as I'd allowed myself to panic about all that might be going wrong with my body.  But it was also a major disappointment on the other hand!

I had terrible period pain so spent my day off in bed and then the following day came down with a bug and spent that day in bed too!  Think I'm feeling run down with it all at the moment.  Certainly felt very fed up over the weekend.

So I'm back on the fragmin blood thinning injections tomorrow to start month two of trying.  I need to be more planned as to where I put the injections this time as I was beginning to struggle to find somewhere to put them as I was so bruised and sore last time.

Really hope it works this time as we'd said we'd give it two months and then explore other options.  Not sure at the end of this month I won't start thinking let's just try another month but that could just go on and on.  So the plan is try this month, if I'm pregnant we'll have a short break locally.  If I'm not pregnant we're booking a late deal abroad and we'll assess the situation then!

So please pray for us.  We need all the encouragement we can get at the moment as feeling quite discouraged from last month's attempts!

The Big Fat Negative has stayed but Aunt Flo still hasn't showed up!

For those of you who have read some of my twitter updates over the last week, you will know that I should have bought shares in First Response pregnancy tests... with the amount of them I've bought and used!

My period was due on Friday.  It's now Monday evening but it still hasn't showed up.  I did another test this morning which was... you guessed it... negative!  So I'm now willing my period to arrive, which is a bit bizarre when you are desperate to get pregnant and have a baby!

I have two reasons for this.  Reason one... my fragmin injections.  Until I get a period I have to keep self injecting because if there is any chance, however small, that I am pregnant I need to keep my blood thin so that the baby would get the nutrients it needs to survive!  My stomach is covered in an area of multi-coloured bruises.  I can cope with that.  The problem is more the areas that don't bruise because I certainly know about it if I inject in an area twice in too short a period of time (so if there's no visible bruise it's very hard to know if I've done so).

I had such an experience on Friday.  It was my last appointment at the nurses.  Having gone to the doctor's surgery every day for two weeks to have the nurses support in learning how to self inject, I had built myself up to the point where I was going to be let loose to do my injections at home the following day.  All had been going so well.  My confidence was fairly high.  I then injected myself and it felt like I'd stabbed a needle through a sore purple bruise (however, the bruise only arrived after the injection)!  I cried with disappointed as I'd been so ready to inject myself at home and this one failed attempt (the nurse had to help me put the plunger down as I couldn't inflict the pain on myself) now robbed me of my confidence to do it at home.  So much so that the nurse gave me her home telephone number and said I could ring her over the weekend if I struggled (quite above and beyond so I'm very grateful for her kindness)!  Thankfully since then they haven't hurt so much and I didn't need to telephone her!

Reason two for wanting my period to arrive... Those of you who have read my blog will know that I've had three miscarriages.  All truely horrible experiences but one thing I wouldn't want more than a miscarriage is an ectopic pregnancy.  My sister had two ectopic pregnancies before successfully having IVF and now has a gorgeous son and daughter.  The two ectopic pregnancies though were hard to watch from the outside so I know she went through a lot of heartache, grief and pain during the ectopics and for a long time afterwards.  With the first ectopic she didn't get a period but kept doing tests and getting BFNs so thought she mustn't be pregnant.

So whilst I wait for my period to come I start worrying about something that might not ever happen... I start to worry about what if I have an ectopic!

Sometimes I'm a really strong person and know in my heart that it is my choice what I choose to believe and think on and that when I want to I can have control over my mind.  But last night, as I slept I dreamt about every scenario I didn't want to happen!  As a Christian, I believe that God is above every situation and that I can hand all my worries over to Him so I'm not sure why it is that I so quickly want to go and take them back off him and worry some more!

So I'm going to be praying that Aunt Flo arrives very soon!!  Then it will be back to the injections and trying again next month :-)

Praying also for all of you who are having difficult times in your journey to conceive and have the son or daughter you long for!  Make sure you are taking lots of care of yourself and remember how valuable you are :-)

An early Big Fat Negative!

I seem to be writing a lot of blogs at the moment... probably because I use this as a way of getting my feelings out of my head by putting them on to paper...or typing them on to a screen ;-)

Not having the best of days today.  Decided to do one of the very early pregnancy tests and it has come back with a Big Fat Negative :-(  My hubby was annoyed at me for doing it as he feels it was too early but the temptation was too much and now I'm feeling completely glum and dwelling on the fact that, yet again, this month is likely to be another disappointment on our journey to having a baby.

So this morning I've kept crying, pulling myself together again and then crying again!  My mind has a fantastic ability to make me feel worse.  Today it's been pondering on the fact that many of my friends will be going out with their babies and young children celebrating Father's Day.  As I said when it was Mother's Day, I love to be able to celebrate my own Mum and my Dad but these days in the calendar just draw attention to the fact that we've been unsuccessfully trying to have a baby for three years.

So now I need to get myself back in the mindset of having injections for the next week as there's no way the nurses will let me stop the injections until my period comes so I need to keep up the motivation knowing I'm more than likely not pregnant.

My issue, as I explained to my hubby this morning, is that I've only ever had an early negative that has continued to be negative with my period showing and so on the times when I got pregnant the early tests showed it.  Is there anybody out there who has had a negative followed by a positive later on??

My prayers today will be for all of you who find Father's Day tough for whatever reason that may be!

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!

I've written a lot recently about overcoming fears as this has been a key thing in my life recently.

As I've mentioned I need to have daily injections to thin my blood whilst I'm trying to conceive.  I started out last week absolutely terrified of the thought of daily injections but knew needs must and got myself to the nurse, each day fighting against my will which was screaming internally for me not to go!

For people who don't have a phobia of needles you may be reading this thinking what is the big deal... but for me even having an injection is a major achievement.  (I've had a severe phobia of needles since a bad experience when I was about six years old).  It might be an irrational fear but it is a real fear!

I've gradually been getting better as the week went on and so yesterday after my injection I got myself thinking, what if I could do it myself?  I've been pondering this overnight and made the decision this morning that I would give it a go.

So this afternoon I've been to see the nurse and asked if I could do it.  I shakingly took the cap off the needle and hovered over my skin willing myself to do it and in my mind reciting the verse 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' (found at Philipians 4: 13).  If in my heart I believe that then I need to act it out!

It took a couple of minutes for me to build myself up to it but I successfully put the needle in and gave myself the injection (with a little bit of help and encouragement from the nurse)!!!

I am coming to realise that God doesn't let us harbour our fears forever, He gets us to face them head on so we can overcome them.  This feels shocking at the start of the process but hopefully by the end feels exhilirating and brings freedom!  Thankfully also, He doesn't make us do it on our own.  God is our biggest supporter, cheering us on and encouraging us.  I still hold some fear of needles but as I face this fear each day it is starting to fade!  Praise God!!

I pray today that you would seek God's love and encouragement to help you face your fears.

overcoming fears, the two week wait & will power

So I've now been on the fragmin injections for six days.  It seems a lot longer but it is just six days.  I've started to bruise a bit.  Unfortunately the nurse has said the bruising means the injections are working and so I'm expecting bruising lke last time I was on fragmin (my stomach was black and blue).

I've also worked out that if I got pregnant this month the amount of injections to the estimated date of arrival would now be 259!!  Not sure why I decided to work that out but I wanted a clear idea in my own mind :-)

I've had a job interview today and been offered the job so I start the week after next.  This means I must get my head round my hubby doing the injections asap!  Overcoming fears isn't easy but I'm getting there!!  I've taken to shutting my eyes firmly whilst the needle goes in... it's kind of working but doesn't help with the stinging afterwards.

I'm now in the two week wait time too... so am itching to do a test.  No signs that I am pregnant but guess it's too early to tell.  I've been and bought a test today but I'm going to hold off until the weekend to use it (that is if I've got the will power).  My usual trick is to do the test far too early and then be bitterly disappointed that it's showing a BFN!  So I'm determined not to do that this time!

Hope you are all having a good week.  Praying for all of you who are going through fertility problems, miscarriage and IVF.  I've recently read some really tough and difficult times in blogs and on twitter and am inspired by your courageousness and strength.  So I pray that you get strength and perserverance to continue on your journey in trying to conceive.  I pray also for your peace xx

so we're now trying to conceive again!!!

So just a quick update from my last post.

I visited the haematologist on Thursday.  I was disappointed that it wasn't my usual constultant.  Unfortunately, it was the consultant who badly advised me last year to take the fragmin once I found out I was pregnant which likely contributed to my 3rd miscarriage.  So I wasn't filled with confidence when I realised that I would be seeing her again!

The appointment was pretty pointless (apart from obviously to get the prescription for the fragmin) as I went with a long list of questions and she seemed to just be hazarding a guess to the answers.  A couple of examples...

ME:  Do I need to take the fragmin when I have a period?
DR: Mmmm well yes probably... or you could stop.  It might make your periods a bit heavier

ME: I've read that fragmin can affect bone density.  I'm also on steroid inhalers that can affect bone density so should I be taking a supplement for calcium?
DR: Not initially as although fragmin can affect bone density if you're only taking it for a short time it won't
ME: If I'm taking it until I get pregnant and then through the pregnancy and for a bit of time afterwards that would be over a year.  That seems quite a long time
DR: Mmmm yes possibly.  Will cross that bridge later on down the line.  Don't take a supplement and just make sure you get vitamin D and calcium through diet, going out in the sun and doing weight bearing exercise.
(I'm left thinking when will we cross that bridge... what I think she meant was 'wait for your usual consultant to be back and ask her all the questions)!

So I left feeling a little bit irritated as I'd built myself up for my husband to be taught how to do the injections (though in hindsight I'm happy for the nurse to be doing them at the moment).  He didn't get taught as the Dr we saw wasn't really interested and just said my medical practice would be able to teach him.  My usual consultant is very on the ball and pro-active so I felt a bit short changed.

I then rang my medical practice the next day to ask for a nurse to do the injections.  I was consequently told that they wouldn't do them possibly until my next period.  For a couple of hours, whilst I was left hanging there wondering whether they would do the injections, I was busy ringing other practices to see if they had availability for new patients as I was so annoyed at my treatment.  As I told the nurse, I'd already started trying so there was a chance that by them not giving me the injections until my next period that it may cause me to have another miscarriage.

Anyway, a couple of hours later a Doctor rang me from the surgery and they'd done a complete U turn and asked me to go to the surgery for the injection.  (Seemingly, the hospital had now given them confirmation and they told me they needed to be careful as I could've just decided that I wanted the injections myself and not seen a consultant)?!  This was said to me by the nurse who has seen first hand my phobia of needles! :-)  I think she thought this explanation was a little bit far fetched too but I guess policies are policies and they need to be adhered to!

So I've now had 3 injections.  So far no bruising!!!!  We've got a few close friends praying and I'm sure that's making all the difference to my state of mind in having the injections (so far I haven't freaked out completely) and I'm very thankful that so far no major bruising... although I think at some point it will happen as it's known if you inject in the same place twice the area bruises badly so if I'm having them for a long time they are bound to inject in the same location.

My hubby is due to be taught on Wednesday but I might ask if I can have the nurses do it for another week as I'm not sure I'm at the point of being calm enough to let my hubby do it yet!

So time will tell how it goes... we're just deciding how long to ttc whilst on fragmin before calling it a day and looking at other options.  We will probably only try for a couple of months as we're conscious of the possible long term health implications and my obvious dislike for needles.  We both think, for us, we feel we have to draw the line somewhere as it's now been 3 long years since we started trying.  I know others have tried for a lot longer and I commend you for your strength and my heart also goes out to you... but we think, for us, we need to set a limit.  So please pray that if it's God's will for us to get pregnant that it would happen over the next couple of cycles.

today's haematology appointment

Having finished work two and a half weeks ago (due to redundancy), I've had a couple of weeks of relaxing and fun things... been to a take that concert, a couple of spa days, met up with friends etc... but now I'm back on the trying to conceive wagon!!

This afternoon we have our haematology appointment so that I can start my daily injections of fragmin to thin my blood.  It was decided at my last miscarriage that I needed to start the injections before I got pregnant as I started to lose the baby on the day of my appointment to start the injections in my last pregnancy.

I hated the injections last time as they are painful and need to be injected in to my stomach.  My husband is going to be taught how to inject me so that will be a daily joy!!  Our neighbours will think we're have blazing rows on a daily basis!!

I'd really appreciate your prayers that I get pregnant quickly, that this time it's a keeper and is a healthy baby and that I overcome my fear of injections.

In my heart I know that as it says in the Bible "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me' but living that out is quite different to knowing it!

feeling such a failure

Well I'm blogging today as to be honest feeling really low and fed up with myself.  My husband is out this afternoon so unfortunately you're going to have to read my woes!

So today is a year and a day since I had my second miscarriage.  I thought I was doing so well, yesterday came and went without much drama.  I felt pretty unwell as I suffer from IBS when I'm stressed so figured my body was telling me that actually all was not well with my soul!

Anyway, today I was meant to be at a hen do all day.  The bridesmaid had organised all sorts of activities and I had strategically planned to go to the ones that my pregnant friend wasn't at.  Pathetic I know but I haven't seen her since she announced her pregnancy and I just didn't feel up to doing all the gushing congratulations etc so I decided the best thing was to go to the activities she wasn't going to (i.e. the morning and afternoon).

Unfortunately said pregnant friend decided to come to the afternoon activities and so I've given my apologies said I'm a bit under the weather and left before she arrived.  I know I looked rude and I certainly wouldn't want to put a dampener on someone's hen do but I couldn't face it.  So I've returned home tearful and feeling a failure.

This last week I went to Cherish 2011 (a women's conference at Abundant Life Church in Bradford).  The singer/ songwriter Natalie Grant was performing at Cherish.  Natalie has been through her own journey of trying to conceive and now has three beautiful girls.  I've attached a song that she wrote.  http://youtu.be/I5kz9wU2QXU %20I really relate to the introduction that Natalie gives to this song in the clip about trying to paint a smile on my face when I'm feeling really broken.  I recommend you listening to some of Natalie's music or getting hold of one of her CDs as her songs are really heartfelt.

It's great to know that God loves me just as I am!

An update on ttc

So just thought I'd give you an update as to where me and my husband are at in our attempts to have a baby!

If you've read my previous blogs you'll know that we've had three miscarriages, the most recent being in February of this year.  The Doctors have identified that I have a pro thrombin mutant gene so suggested last year that when I got pregnant I get in touch straight away so that I could have daily blood thinners.  (It's thought that my thicker blood prevents nutrients getting to the baby which in turn causes the miscarriage).

I followed this advice in February but unfortunately started bleeding on the day I had my appointment with haematology to get the injections and consequently lost the baby.

... So this time the advice is to have daily blood thinning injections (fragmin) from when I start trying to conceive!  We've our appointment with haematology a week on Thursday so we're going to start trying this month!  Quite nervous but trying to stay calm and really, really want everything to be ok this time!

Also really hope we get pregnant quickly as I've got a bit of a phobia of needles!!! So the less time I have to inject them the better!  Better still, my husband is going to be taught to inject me so we both have visions of him running after me round the house trying to pin me down to inject me! aargh!  I'm sure I'll get better and more relaxed about this with time and practice!

So a week and a half of having fun, doing relaxing things and then appointment with haematology and the trying starts again!

Why do my hormones have to get the better of me??

Why is that when it's the time of the month everything gets blown out of all proportion??

I had a situation the other day that made me laugh afterwards but it was all down to my ridiculous hormones getting the better of me!

I'd gone shopping with my husband and somehow managed to stub my finger on a shelf in a shop... it definitely hurt but at that moment in time I behaved as if someone had chopped my finger off not that it had had a minor bump.

I felt extremely sorry for myself so I left my husband in the shop and went out in to the street in the hope that I'd be able to pull myself together... I found myself a bench to sit on where I could quietly try and fight my tears back... I just so happened to pick a bench that a new mum decided would be a good place to sit too.

So I'm feeling hormonal, my finger is throbbing and then a throng of women decide to come over and congratulate the new mum next to me on her beautiful new arrival...

... this was all I could take.  I found my husband and couldn't help but burst in to tears.  In the middle of a busy street, I'm holding my finger somewhat pathetically and crying in to my husband's shoulder!  Childish doesn't even go there... the best bit though was when a lady came running over to us looking very concerned and asked I was ok and could she take a look at my injury as she was a nurse!!

In an instant I realised how ridiculous I'd been and couldn't stop laughing!

So please someone explain to me why us women have hormones that turn us in to crying, irrational wrecks for a couple of days each month!  Thankfully my finger is now fine and I've lived to tell the tale!

confident, courageous and beautiful

Last year at the time I had my 2nd miscarriage, my friend bought me a beautiful notebook with a quote on the front and on the back cover.  I love the words on the book and so want to share them to encourage you this morning...

On the front cover it says...
'Tomorrow belongs to the confident and courageous who refuse to give up on their dreams'

Reading peoples' blogs and tweets of people who, like me, long for a baby I read about so many of you who are confident and courageous so be inspired not to give up on your dreams


And on the back cover it says...
Once upon a time
heaven dreamed a dream
and that dream was you,
beautiful you...
and you are beautiful, truly beautiful...
Perhaps you don't see it
but you have a tag attached to you
tied with the strongest ribbons
It is a tag that can never be removed
and these are the words heaven has written up on it...
"You always have been and always will be
perfect and beautiful to me...
created by design... a gift to this world"

(notebook created by http://www.createdbydesign.info/)

Never forget that you were created by design and that no matter how you are feeling God always see you as beautiful! x

Praising God in every circumstance

I've recently been reading 'Blessed Be Your Name' by Matt and Beth Redman.  This book was written following them writing the well known worship song of the same name.  This book shares stories from their own personal experiences and shows how painful experiences and our choices can either propel us toward God or away from Him, build up our faith or break it.

For those of you who are Christians you will have probably have heard this song but for those who haven't I recommend you listen to it.  http://youtu.be/PnWKehsOXu8  It's a great song and in essence it is a song that talks about worshipping God always being a choice.  The book explains it as 'when life is peaceful and painless, the choice to respond to God in thanksgiving and praise may not be such a hard one to make.  But at other times in our lives worship becomes a much gutsier decision'.

I hadn't realised until a couple of weeks ago that Beth (like me) suffered three miscarriages in a row.  This experience was part of the reason behind writing the song.  Here are a few snippets from her story told in the book:

'When Matt and I suffered the loss of a baby again and again, I began to do what so many of us do when we're in pain - to notice how others around me were being prospered and blessed...


... To see the tiny frame of a baby's body, lifeless on a screen, with no heartbeat; and then at an early stage of pregnancy , to have to go through a mini-labour and hand that baby back to Jesus - that was one of the hardest times of my life.  Why was it happening?  Then to lose two more babies in a row, even when I'd sought God so hard, was almost more than I could handle.  Bitterness started to beckon'

Beth says in the book that she realised as she grieved each loss that the longing for a baby was becoming all that she could talk to God about.  The need to have a baby had become everything and she needed to realise that even if she never had another baby, God had already given her everything she needed in Christ Jesus.

As a Christian, Beth's story has really challenged me as I relate to every single part of it - the all consuming grief that has at times taken over all my thinking, the jealousy of other peoples' blessing.  Beth explains that she came to a point where in the depths of her heart she knew that God himself is all that she needs.  She came to a point where she knew that 'if it was God's will for us to hold another baby in our arms, then no closed womb, no condition doctors cannot explain, no age barrier or genetic condition could ever hold back his plan'.

I am so challenged by Beth's testimony - to stay in the place that continually trusts God and acknowledges God is all I need!  I believe in miracles and know that if God wants me to have a baby then it will happen but I equally need to come to a point where in the depths of my heart I know that God is all I need.

Soon after Beth's miscarriage, her and Matt felt challenged by the words of 1 Thessalonians 5: 16 which says 'Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus'

I encourage you to read this book as it has reminded me that through the good and the bad God remains faithful.