As you know I'm at risk of redundancy but equally so are the 20+ people in my team. So this week I am having to spend all my time completing matrices to see who in my team scores the lowest and in effect loses their job. It's a very time consuming process where different areas of work hold different weightings (dependant on what the company deems to be most important) and is a very unpleasant task.
I think very highly of my team and wouldn't choose to have any of them lose their job. However, unfortunately when cuts need to be made we have to then start weighing up who deserves their job more than the next person... who can contribute more... who has the best attitude etc etc.
It's got me thinking this morning how thankful I am that God isn't like that! Thankful that I know that God created us in His image, that He loves us more than life itself, that He would do anything for us (even sending His son to die a painful death so that we could have eternal life). I am so thankful that I know that my Father God loves me despite my failings... despite the fact that I often have a bad attitude... that I don't always do what I'm meant to do... that I regularly get jealous of others... that I so often fall short!
Nothing I can do will make God love me any less... when I grieve He grieves with me, when I am joyful He is glad for me. I am so very thankful that God's ways are not our ways! His way is always a way of grace, forgiveness and love :-)
Thursday, 31 March 2011
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Changing my focus!
On Friday last week, I found out that chances are in the next few week's I'll be made redundant. My initial reaction was to go home, have a bit of a cry and a sleep. These are my usual first reactions for dealing with things I'm not happy about... my husband can never get his head round my ability to fall asleep as my way of dealing with bad news!
Saturday and Sunday came and my thoughts and feelings on this shifted... I began to see the potential benefits to this! The fact that I am currently in a very stressful job, one that often requires me to take work home and that has me rushing around trying to get 100 things done at once. As you may know from my previous blogs, I have had three miscarriages and would really, really like a baby. (This at the moment is one of my main hopes and dreams, my work situation is way down the list of priorities)! As I pondered on my circumstances, I realised redundancy could definitely be a blessing in disguise. It could be the push I need to look for a job I enjoy and to look for something that won't create extra stress when we start trying to conceive again.
It got me thinking how I so often need to change my focus.
As someone who believes that God has got a plan for my life, I am sure that at some point everything I've learnt and experienced through difficult times - my attempts in trying to conceive, the pain of miscarriage, the difficulties of losing my job - will help someone else. It's a horrible feeling, feeling that you are the only one who is going through a painful or difficult situation so I'm hoping that someone reading this will be able to read this and think 'me too' and not feel alone in their situation!
I'm also going to try to 'change my focus' and embrace the positive. Not always easy! But when I find myself dwelling on my past losses, I'm going to try (and I'm sure at times fail) to change my thinking and to focus on future hopes and dreams and the good things I've got in my life now!
My husband told me the other day, I need to be more like Chumbawamba :-). I don't know if you remember them from the 90s but a line of their most well known song was 'I get knocked down but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down' and so I'm going to take my husband's advice and when I get knocked down by circumstances I'm going to work at quickly getting back up again! :-)
Saturday and Sunday came and my thoughts and feelings on this shifted... I began to see the potential benefits to this! The fact that I am currently in a very stressful job, one that often requires me to take work home and that has me rushing around trying to get 100 things done at once. As you may know from my previous blogs, I have had three miscarriages and would really, really like a baby. (This at the moment is one of my main hopes and dreams, my work situation is way down the list of priorities)! As I pondered on my circumstances, I realised redundancy could definitely be a blessing in disguise. It could be the push I need to look for a job I enjoy and to look for something that won't create extra stress when we start trying to conceive again.
It got me thinking how I so often need to change my focus.
As someone who believes that God has got a plan for my life, I am sure that at some point everything I've learnt and experienced through difficult times - my attempts in trying to conceive, the pain of miscarriage, the difficulties of losing my job - will help someone else. It's a horrible feeling, feeling that you are the only one who is going through a painful or difficult situation so I'm hoping that someone reading this will be able to read this and think 'me too' and not feel alone in their situation!
I'm also going to try to 'change my focus' and embrace the positive. Not always easy! But when I find myself dwelling on my past losses, I'm going to try (and I'm sure at times fail) to change my thinking and to focus on future hopes and dreams and the good things I've got in my life now!
My husband told me the other day, I need to be more like Chumbawamba :-). I don't know if you remember them from the 90s but a line of their most well known song was 'I get knocked down but I get up again, you're never going to keep me down' and so I'm going to take my husband's advice and when I get knocked down by circumstances I'm going to work at quickly getting back up again! :-)
Saturday, 26 March 2011
My journey in trying for a baby - part five!
Yesterday, I wrote a blog which explained that I have been told I have something called a 'pro thrombin mutant gene'. This basically means that my blood is slightly thicker than most people and that in certain situations (e.g. pregnancy) I need to have daily blood thinners to protect myself and the baby. I've been told that this may have been a contributing factor in my miscarriages as it can cause mini clots in the womb that prevent nutrients getting to the baby.
So I'd seen a consultant in November last year and we decided to try again after Christmas and bite the bullet and hope that these injections would help us to conceive a healthy baby and that I wouldn't miscarry.
I just about got through Christmas and New Year. I found it really upsetting this year. If my second pregnancy had progressed my baby's due date would have been the 1st January 2011! I am usually a big celebrator of New Year. I tried my best to celebrate this year but found myself crying myself to sleep at about 11pm. Usually I would be out with friends but this year mine and my husband's upset meant we couldn't. We also found difficult that no one else referred to the fact that it would have been the due date. I think sometimes people think that if they don't mention it, it won't hurt... unfortunately that's not the case.
Anyway, with New Year out of the way we started to try again... expecting a long wait as it had taken us well over a year to get pregnant the 2nd time! I was so excited to find that we actually conceived in the first month of trying this time! Again, we were filled with hope and expectancy that this time, through having the treatment for my blood, we might not miscarry. I contacted the Doctor's and was referred to haematology at the hospital for an appointment in 5 days time. In the meantime I took a low dose aspirin (as advised by the Consultant Haematologist). We desperately wanted this time to work!
On the day of my appointment, I unfortunately started bleeding on the way to the hospital. It was only a little bit of blood but unfortunately this made me fear the worst. I was able to see my actual Consultant this time round (rather than the person who'd been covering last time) and was put a lot more at ease by this Consultant as she was very clued up. She told me to get complete rest and to start the fragmin injections straight away. I was so upset as this Consultant felt that I should have taken the injections as soon as I started trying and deep down from this point I knew we'd left it too late for it to make a difference (we were also a little bit cross that the stand in Consultant had perhaps advised us badly). This coupled with my ingrained fear of needles meant I had a horrible week.
The fragmin injections are injected in to fat rather than muscle so there's only a few places in the body that you can have them put in. I was having them injected in to my stomach. I didn't find this easy as I am very phobic and the fragmin fluid caused stinging at the sight. It also causes massive dark bruising. Can I just say, the bruising sights don't actually hurt but it does look bad. If anyone reading this is due to have fragmin, please don't let me put you off! When it comes to injections I am a complete wimp! I had to have my Mum come with me to hold my hands (not in a soft way but to stop me from going anywhere near the needles as they were going in) lol!
Unfortunately though from the Monday onwards I started to bleed heavily and miscarry. I couldn't get an appointment for a scan until the following Tuesday so none of the nurses would stop giving me the fragmin. My grief coupled with my hate of having the injections made me less than a perfect patient. I just couldn't see why I needed these injections now that the baby had gone... this wasn't helped by insensitive nurses who were administering the injections who said things like 'think of the baby'. I was so distraught as I knew I'd lost the baby.
The scan the following week confirmed this and I was told that I could stop having the fragmin injections. The nurse who told me to 'think of the baby' has since seen me for a separate appointment and told me that next time I try they will 'teach my husband as there would be nothing more relaxing than having the injections at home'. What she means is, I don't want the hassle of dealing with you again! This makes me cross as I think it is their job to sometimes deal with people who are traumatised and upset, not just to deal with all the nice things!
So it's just over a month after this third miscarriage, we think we'll start trying again in early summer. However, I've just been dealt a double blow that because of the goverment funding cuts I'm likely to be out of a job in a month's time. Great! So future blogs will tell you of what's going on in my life as me and my husband try for a fourth time (we've now been referred to a gynecologist and are waiting for an appointment) and also my situation with work and potentially looking for a new job (thinking that won't be easy when my sick record shows two miscarriages in the last year)!
I'll keep trusting God. Thankful for the ability to read about other peoples' experiences through blogs and twitter so I don't feel so alone in my circumstances!
So I'd seen a consultant in November last year and we decided to try again after Christmas and bite the bullet and hope that these injections would help us to conceive a healthy baby and that I wouldn't miscarry.
I just about got through Christmas and New Year. I found it really upsetting this year. If my second pregnancy had progressed my baby's due date would have been the 1st January 2011! I am usually a big celebrator of New Year. I tried my best to celebrate this year but found myself crying myself to sleep at about 11pm. Usually I would be out with friends but this year mine and my husband's upset meant we couldn't. We also found difficult that no one else referred to the fact that it would have been the due date. I think sometimes people think that if they don't mention it, it won't hurt... unfortunately that's not the case.
Anyway, with New Year out of the way we started to try again... expecting a long wait as it had taken us well over a year to get pregnant the 2nd time! I was so excited to find that we actually conceived in the first month of trying this time! Again, we were filled with hope and expectancy that this time, through having the treatment for my blood, we might not miscarry. I contacted the Doctor's and was referred to haematology at the hospital for an appointment in 5 days time. In the meantime I took a low dose aspirin (as advised by the Consultant Haematologist). We desperately wanted this time to work!
On the day of my appointment, I unfortunately started bleeding on the way to the hospital. It was only a little bit of blood but unfortunately this made me fear the worst. I was able to see my actual Consultant this time round (rather than the person who'd been covering last time) and was put a lot more at ease by this Consultant as she was very clued up. She told me to get complete rest and to start the fragmin injections straight away. I was so upset as this Consultant felt that I should have taken the injections as soon as I started trying and deep down from this point I knew we'd left it too late for it to make a difference (we were also a little bit cross that the stand in Consultant had perhaps advised us badly). This coupled with my ingrained fear of needles meant I had a horrible week.
The fragmin injections are injected in to fat rather than muscle so there's only a few places in the body that you can have them put in. I was having them injected in to my stomach. I didn't find this easy as I am very phobic and the fragmin fluid caused stinging at the sight. It also causes massive dark bruising. Can I just say, the bruising sights don't actually hurt but it does look bad. If anyone reading this is due to have fragmin, please don't let me put you off! When it comes to injections I am a complete wimp! I had to have my Mum come with me to hold my hands (not in a soft way but to stop me from going anywhere near the needles as they were going in) lol!
Unfortunately though from the Monday onwards I started to bleed heavily and miscarry. I couldn't get an appointment for a scan until the following Tuesday so none of the nurses would stop giving me the fragmin. My grief coupled with my hate of having the injections made me less than a perfect patient. I just couldn't see why I needed these injections now that the baby had gone... this wasn't helped by insensitive nurses who were administering the injections who said things like 'think of the baby'. I was so distraught as I knew I'd lost the baby.
The scan the following week confirmed this and I was told that I could stop having the fragmin injections. The nurse who told me to 'think of the baby' has since seen me for a separate appointment and told me that next time I try they will 'teach my husband as there would be nothing more relaxing than having the injections at home'. What she means is, I don't want the hassle of dealing with you again! This makes me cross as I think it is their job to sometimes deal with people who are traumatised and upset, not just to deal with all the nice things!
So it's just over a month after this third miscarriage, we think we'll start trying again in early summer. However, I've just been dealt a double blow that because of the goverment funding cuts I'm likely to be out of a job in a month's time. Great! So future blogs will tell you of what's going on in my life as me and my husband try for a fourth time (we've now been referred to a gynecologist and are waiting for an appointment) and also my situation with work and potentially looking for a new job (thinking that won't be easy when my sick record shows two miscarriages in the last year)!
I'll keep trusting God. Thankful for the ability to read about other peoples' experiences through blogs and twitter so I don't feel so alone in my circumstances!
Friday, 25 March 2011
My journey in trying for a baby - part four!
In my last blog I mentioned my phobia of needles and injections... this is something I have had since being a child (when I had to have what seemed like hundreds of injections to check for various allergies). Over time this phobia has got worse and I have to act against what my mind is telling me when I need to have any injections!
A couple of weeks after my third miscarriage I had to have my first blood test for about twenty years (I last had one when I was about 11 or 12 years old). I went to the Doctor's for a check up in relation to the miscarriage and mentioned that I was having dizzy spells so the Doctor thought it would be a good idea to have a blood test to check that all was ok.
I arranged to go and took my husband with me for moral support. I absolutely freaked out when I had to have it, I don't think my husband could get his head round my over the top reaction! lol! If you've got a phobia you'll know where I'm coming from... you know it's irrational, you know that your body is over reacting but still you behave in a dramatic way! My whole body was shaking, my palms were sweating and I couldn't sit still. After a few attempts they did manage to get the blood they needed and I thought that would be the end of it.
All but one result was fine which was the liver functioning test... so the Doctor said unfortunately it would mean going back for another test the following week. I spent the whole week worrying... thinking there was something wrong with my liver and knowing I needed another test. (If only someone could have told me that liver functioning often changes after a traumatic event and then returns to normal)!
The following week I went on my own for a blood test (I know this isn't a big deal for most but it was a big deal for me). I drove down to the Health Centre reciting 'I can do all things though Christ who strengthens me' :-) and praying that the waiting room would be empty so I didn't have to sit and wait and panic. Praise the Lord it was! But I still had to go and have the test... as you can see from me typing I lived to tell the tale ;-) but at the time found it quite traumatic and I had to be held down by one phlebotomist whilst the other did the test! The test result this time came back normal though so that was good and I thought that would be the end of blood tests/ injections for quite sometime... maybe, I thought, next time would be when I got pregnant and the pregnancy continued (which would make the tests a bit more bearable)!
In about August time after the dust had settled after the miscarriage, I returned to the Doctors to ask if there was anything that could be done to look into why I had had two miscarriages and to prevent a third. The Doctor's at my Doctor's Surgery are very helpful and friendly which is a real blessing as I was at a different surgery a while ago where they weren't at all! The Doctor explained that I would need to wait until I had three miscarriages before being referred to a gynecologist... explaining that as miscarriages were common it was likely that my next pregnancy would be fine. However, she was happy to send me for some more blood tests to check for common problems that may cause miscarriages (which is one of the first things the gynecologist would do anyway). This included blood sugar levels, blood count, antibodies, thyroid functioning etc.
I decided that despite my massive dislike of needles I would go ahead with the tests as this would help me and my hubby move towards our dream of having a baby. Again I prayed and recited Bible verses on the way to the Health Centre to have the tests. However, this time I went in the waiting room and it was full to the rafters! My heart sank but I knew I had to get the tests done. God did provide an elderly man next to me in the waiting room though who could see that I was visibly worried... so he said he would tell me a few jokes. This eased my fears sitting listening to jokes whilst I waited. This man didn't know it but his kindness gave me strength! (I strongly believe that there are times in our life when God uses us to bring kindness in to other peoples' lives to bring them strength and we may not ever know the impact of our words and actions)!
I had the blood tests (I think there were 5 pots in total that needed to be filled), again it took a few attempts with me moving my arm away as the needle came towards me, but in the end I got there! I was asked to ring the Doctor's Surgery for the results in a week's time. I waited a week and rang the Doctor's surgery and was happy to be told by the Clerk that all the results had been returned normal... what I hadn't realised was there was one more result that hadn't come back yet!
About a week later, I was sat having an evening meal with my husband when the phone rang. I recognised the voice but couldn't place her... yes I'm sure you've guessed, it was my Doctor! She explained that something had been shown in relation to my blood and that I would be referred to haematology. I was told not to worry but that this might be the reason behind my miscarriages and that simply taking a low dose aspirin might prevent future miscarriages! Well that sounded too easy... and it was!
In early November 2010, I had my appointment at haematology. What I now know is for every appointment at haematology, it is standard practice to have a blood test! Great! I have come to think over the last few months that God does not want us to live a life filled with irrational fears and so one way or another at some point you may be required to face your fears and to overcome them! I wouldn't have chosen to but as you will see I don't have a great deal of choice!
I went to see the consultant. The consultant I would usually see wasn't in so I saw a different one. I was told that I had what is called a Pro Thrombin Mutant Gene. This means that my blood is a little bit thicker than most people. Generally speaking this shouldn't cause me any problems but should be monitored. In relation to having a baby, it could be instrumental in the baby not getting the nutrients it needs to survive in the womb. To counteract this I was told that when I next found out I was pregnant I would need to return to haematology to be given blood thinning injections to be injected every day of my pregnancy alongside taking a low dose aspirin... I knew the low dose aspirin suggestion on it's own was too good to be true! This really upset me and took some getting used to. But I knew I would need to get used to it, if I was going to give me and my husband the best chance of having a baby so we decided to wait until after Christmas and try again - hopeful that next time, maybe everything would be ok!! And if I was pregnant maybe having daily injections would be a small price to pay for a beautiful baby at the end of it!
Again, I will continue this story with part five! I'm getting pretty close to the present date now so hopefully this isn't too dull and long for people reading the story!
My prayer is that by reading this, people won't feel alone in their circumstances. That by reading this people will feel that there is someone else out their who has irrational and rational fears, who has had difficulties and hurts and who is still pursuing a dream that hasn't happened yet!
Some of the things I discuss will seem small to others but have been giants to face in my life... I pray that you would have the confidence to face your fears! God didn't promise an easy life but He did promise to be with us always and to give us the strength to face our circumstances head on :-) I'm not perfect and have daily struggles but thankfully His mercies are new every day!
A couple of weeks after my third miscarriage I had to have my first blood test for about twenty years (I last had one when I was about 11 or 12 years old). I went to the Doctor's for a check up in relation to the miscarriage and mentioned that I was having dizzy spells so the Doctor thought it would be a good idea to have a blood test to check that all was ok.
I arranged to go and took my husband with me for moral support. I absolutely freaked out when I had to have it, I don't think my husband could get his head round my over the top reaction! lol! If you've got a phobia you'll know where I'm coming from... you know it's irrational, you know that your body is over reacting but still you behave in a dramatic way! My whole body was shaking, my palms were sweating and I couldn't sit still. After a few attempts they did manage to get the blood they needed and I thought that would be the end of it.
All but one result was fine which was the liver functioning test... so the Doctor said unfortunately it would mean going back for another test the following week. I spent the whole week worrying... thinking there was something wrong with my liver and knowing I needed another test. (If only someone could have told me that liver functioning often changes after a traumatic event and then returns to normal)!
The following week I went on my own for a blood test (I know this isn't a big deal for most but it was a big deal for me). I drove down to the Health Centre reciting 'I can do all things though Christ who strengthens me' :-) and praying that the waiting room would be empty so I didn't have to sit and wait and panic. Praise the Lord it was! But I still had to go and have the test... as you can see from me typing I lived to tell the tale ;-) but at the time found it quite traumatic and I had to be held down by one phlebotomist whilst the other did the test! The test result this time came back normal though so that was good and I thought that would be the end of blood tests/ injections for quite sometime... maybe, I thought, next time would be when I got pregnant and the pregnancy continued (which would make the tests a bit more bearable)!
In about August time after the dust had settled after the miscarriage, I returned to the Doctors to ask if there was anything that could be done to look into why I had had two miscarriages and to prevent a third. The Doctor's at my Doctor's Surgery are very helpful and friendly which is a real blessing as I was at a different surgery a while ago where they weren't at all! The Doctor explained that I would need to wait until I had three miscarriages before being referred to a gynecologist... explaining that as miscarriages were common it was likely that my next pregnancy would be fine. However, she was happy to send me for some more blood tests to check for common problems that may cause miscarriages (which is one of the first things the gynecologist would do anyway). This included blood sugar levels, blood count, antibodies, thyroid functioning etc.
I decided that despite my massive dislike of needles I would go ahead with the tests as this would help me and my hubby move towards our dream of having a baby. Again I prayed and recited Bible verses on the way to the Health Centre to have the tests. However, this time I went in the waiting room and it was full to the rafters! My heart sank but I knew I had to get the tests done. God did provide an elderly man next to me in the waiting room though who could see that I was visibly worried... so he said he would tell me a few jokes. This eased my fears sitting listening to jokes whilst I waited. This man didn't know it but his kindness gave me strength! (I strongly believe that there are times in our life when God uses us to bring kindness in to other peoples' lives to bring them strength and we may not ever know the impact of our words and actions)!
I had the blood tests (I think there were 5 pots in total that needed to be filled), again it took a few attempts with me moving my arm away as the needle came towards me, but in the end I got there! I was asked to ring the Doctor's Surgery for the results in a week's time. I waited a week and rang the Doctor's surgery and was happy to be told by the Clerk that all the results had been returned normal... what I hadn't realised was there was one more result that hadn't come back yet!
About a week later, I was sat having an evening meal with my husband when the phone rang. I recognised the voice but couldn't place her... yes I'm sure you've guessed, it was my Doctor! She explained that something had been shown in relation to my blood and that I would be referred to haematology. I was told not to worry but that this might be the reason behind my miscarriages and that simply taking a low dose aspirin might prevent future miscarriages! Well that sounded too easy... and it was!
In early November 2010, I had my appointment at haematology. What I now know is for every appointment at haematology, it is standard practice to have a blood test! Great! I have come to think over the last few months that God does not want us to live a life filled with irrational fears and so one way or another at some point you may be required to face your fears and to overcome them! I wouldn't have chosen to but as you will see I don't have a great deal of choice!
I went to see the consultant. The consultant I would usually see wasn't in so I saw a different one. I was told that I had what is called a Pro Thrombin Mutant Gene. This means that my blood is a little bit thicker than most people. Generally speaking this shouldn't cause me any problems but should be monitored. In relation to having a baby, it could be instrumental in the baby not getting the nutrients it needs to survive in the womb. To counteract this I was told that when I next found out I was pregnant I would need to return to haematology to be given blood thinning injections to be injected every day of my pregnancy alongside taking a low dose aspirin... I knew the low dose aspirin suggestion on it's own was too good to be true! This really upset me and took some getting used to. But I knew I would need to get used to it, if I was going to give me and my husband the best chance of having a baby so we decided to wait until after Christmas and try again - hopeful that next time, maybe everything would be ok!! And if I was pregnant maybe having daily injections would be a small price to pay for a beautiful baby at the end of it!
Again, I will continue this story with part five! I'm getting pretty close to the present date now so hopefully this isn't too dull and long for people reading the story!
My prayer is that by reading this, people won't feel alone in their circumstances. That by reading this people will feel that there is someone else out their who has irrational and rational fears, who has had difficulties and hurts and who is still pursuing a dream that hasn't happened yet!
Some of the things I discuss will seem small to others but have been giants to face in my life... I pray that you would have the confidence to face your fears! God didn't promise an easy life but He did promise to be with us always and to give us the strength to face our circumstances head on :-) I'm not perfect and have daily struggles but thankfully His mercies are new every day!
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
My journey in trying for a baby - part three
So here is part three of my story in trying for a baby... so at the end of May beginning of June 2010 I lost my 3rd baby (I've put both months as it was about 3 weeks from finding out that the baby wasn't alive to actually miscarrying (see part two).
I found the time after this miscarriage a lot harder than my first miscarriage for a number of reasons:
I had numerous blood tests. I know to most this is no big deal... but unfortunately, the only one phobia I have is needles... and wasps (but I see the two things as related :-)) Put me in a room with tarantulas, take me to a great height etc and I'll be fine but ask me to have an injection and I am full of fear! lol. I've got to say that this phobia is starting to get less and become more something that I really dislike but that's because of the sheer amount of injections/ needles I've had to have since then as you will read in future updates!!
Anyway, I hope all of you who are reading this are well today! It's a beautiful sunny spring day here... I think Spring weather always helps to make situations feel a little bit better! :-) Part four to follow soon... if you are still following this and not finding it too long ;-) I've never been good at telling short stories! :-)
I found the time after this miscarriage a lot harder than my first miscarriage for a number of reasons:
- I hadn't thought there was anything wrong... the pregnancy to me seemed to be going well and up to going for the first scan my body felt really pregnant!
- My best friend got pregnant (unplanned) at pretty much the exact same time that I was going through my miscarriage... I found out 3 months down the line after her first scan. However, between the time of my miscarriage and her three months scan she was very elusive and not available. I can understand why so there's no blame given but I found this really difficult as I really needed someone to talk to and to spend time with. I also fell apart when she told me the news. I think on my journey that was one of the worst if not the worst days! She had rung me to tell me and to explain that it wasn't her timing and, as people do when they are having difficult conversations, she said something that probably afterwards she wished she hadn't. She said 'it wasn't our timing but I guess it must be God's so we'll have to work through it'. Having just lost a baby to be told that it was God's timing for someone who had no desire to be pregnant was awful. (I share a lot of this in the hope that someone reading this will realise that you're not alone in your experiences). I didn't cope with this at all. I rushed through some lame congratulatory sentences desperate for her to get off the phone and as soon as she did I suffered a really bad panic attack. There have been days when my husband just hasn't known what to do to comfort or help me and this was one of those days!
- Work... In April 2010, our organisation was taken over by a different organisation. This organisation decided to do a service review and then a restructure. I returned to work towards the end of June and had a 'return to work meeting' with my Manager where I explained that I was fine to be back but the Doctor had said to take it easy and in the short term not to take on any additional responsibility. The following week information on the restructure came out to say that one Manager would need to take on two teams rather than one and that Manager would be me. Again I was so hurt that people couldn't see how much I was struggling or worse still didn't care. I spoke to the decision makers and was told I had three options - to take a career break for a year!?, to be demoted (but they couldn't guarantee geographically where I would be placed or what work I would be doing) or to get on with it. I chose the last option but this created extra tiredness, stress and weariness
I had numerous blood tests. I know to most this is no big deal... but unfortunately, the only one phobia I have is needles... and wasps (but I see the two things as related :-)) Put me in a room with tarantulas, take me to a great height etc and I'll be fine but ask me to have an injection and I am full of fear! lol. I've got to say that this phobia is starting to get less and become more something that I really dislike but that's because of the sheer amount of injections/ needles I've had to have since then as you will read in future updates!!
Anyway, I hope all of you who are reading this are well today! It's a beautiful sunny spring day here... I think Spring weather always helps to make situations feel a little bit better! :-) Part four to follow soon... if you are still following this and not finding it too long ;-) I've never been good at telling short stories! :-)
Sunday, 20 March 2011
A God-incidence during a time of pain
This will be quite a short blog... But I wanted to share this with people. At the time when I had my second miscarriage I was meant to be at a women's conference called Cherish at Abundant Life Church, Bradford. I always go every year with my best friend.
I decided to go to the evening celebration as I'd been waiting for my body to realise that it wasn't pregnant and to fully miscarry for a couple of weeks and was still waiting. I got home from the evening meeting and pretty much when I got back through the front door to home started having contraction type pain (leading to my full miscarriage through the night).
For obvious reasons I didn't get to the 2nd day of the conference, but despite feeling shocking and very tired I forced myself to go to the 3rd day of the conference. The first talk on the morning of this day was by Charlotte Scanlon (Pastor at Abundant Life Church who herself has been on a journey of trying to conceive). The talk was a big 'God-incidence' or others may say coincidence. It was called the Long Way Round and what we can gain from going the 'long way round' to reach our dreams. I wouldn't usually link people to things like this but if you have a dream in your heart I recommend you get a copy of this teaching as it is very encouraging and was so very timely to my situation! http://www.alm.org.uk/shop/product_details.php?id=5050912061717
I decided to go to the evening celebration as I'd been waiting for my body to realise that it wasn't pregnant and to fully miscarry for a couple of weeks and was still waiting. I got home from the evening meeting and pretty much when I got back through the front door to home started having contraction type pain (leading to my full miscarriage through the night).
For obvious reasons I didn't get to the 2nd day of the conference, but despite feeling shocking and very tired I forced myself to go to the 3rd day of the conference. The first talk on the morning of this day was by Charlotte Scanlon (Pastor at Abundant Life Church who herself has been on a journey of trying to conceive). The talk was a big 'God-incidence' or others may say coincidence. It was called the Long Way Round and what we can gain from going the 'long way round' to reach our dreams. I wouldn't usually link people to things like this but if you have a dream in your heart I recommend you get a copy of this teaching as it is very encouraging and was so very timely to my situation! http://www.alm.org.uk/shop/product_details.php?id=5050912061717
My journey in trying for a baby - part two!
So as I said in my last blog we had our first miscarriage in October 2008 and then waited for three months (Doctor's recommendation) before trying again. So we started trying again in January 2009 and each month nothing happened. I spent a fortune on pregnancy tests... the one's you can use '5 days early'! Desperate for the positive line to show but each time disappointed and only to find a few days later my period started.
It was a long year with knockbacks finding out other people were pregnant... whether that was colleagues, friends, relatives etc. Hearing how they'd been so lucky when they'd only started trying that month was very hard to hear! One of the difficulties is that trying for a baby is such a private thing that people don't realise what you are going through and so say things that really cut deep.
We got to 2010 and we still weren't expecting a baby. On a walk in February when I was feeling particularly low about it (and there seemed to be families with young children everywhere), we decided that we would wait until June to see if I got pregnant and then we'd make a decision about what to do - whether to look at medical intervention or into adoption etc. 2009 had been a difficult year with lots of stresses for both of us at work and so some months we felt we'd maybe not given it our best shot! so we'd try for a few more months.
We prayed God would bless us with a child and thought our prayers had been answered when in April 2010 (the day before my wedding anniversary) I found out I was pregnant. I was SO excited, as was my husband! I was even more excited when I realised that the due date was the first of January 2011! I just felt that God was giving us this child and taking away all the hurt from the previous miscarriage.
It makes me cry just typing this as it still really hurts that yet again this wasn't meant to be! This pregnancy seemed very different to the first pregnancy. My body felt healthy and I didn't have any painful twinges like last time. I felt pregnant and loved the fact that it seemed to be ok. Yes, I still had anxiety from my previous loss but deep down I felt that this time would be different.
I had my first appointment with the midwife and as she remembered me from last time and wanted to put me at ease she offered to book me an early scan at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. I would be able to have this scan and then one at 12 weeks so she told me we'd be able to see the baby twice.
At six and a half weeks we went for our scan. We were both nervous and as we waited for our appointment time we sat outside in the sun trying to stay grounded as we knew the pain of things not being ok from our last pregnancy but equally I was a little bit excited about maybe seeing our baby doing somersaults on the scan :-)!
We sat anxiously in the waiting area for the scan and saw people coming out from their scans so happy! I went in for mine and they couldn't see anything externally so I had to have an internal scan. As the sonographer moved the camera I could tell from her face that everything wasn't ok, she asked if I wanted to look at the screen to explain what was maybe wrong. I starred at what looked like a blob on the screen, not the moving shape of a baby but a blob inside a sac. I was told that maybe I'd got my dates wrong and to come back in a week's time to see if anything had changed. Our world fell apart... one thing you know when you've been trying to conceive for a while is your dates! We knew everything wasn't ok and we were devastated! We were also told to consider what intervention we would like if the baby had died - would I prefer an operation, to take a tablet or to wait for nature to take its course. This was another confirmation to me that they knew that everything wasn't as it should be.
We had a week of waiting which included going to my best friend's birthday party where lots and lots of families with small children had been invited. No one knew what we were going through but we were totally breaking on the inside.
We went back for a scan the following week and nothing had changed. We discussed the options with the nurse and we were told that at this stage in the pregnancy the least traumatic option on the body (not on my emotions I might add) was to wait for the body to miscarry the baby.
The hospital kept monitoring me at weekly appointments and I was told that when I actually miscarried if I was in pain to take paracetamol and ibuprofen and if the pain got too bad to go into hospital. The pain in this miscarriage was horrendous. I had really bad contractions and in all honesty felt I couldn't get to the hospital. My husband wanted to ring for an ambulance (as I couldn't get to the car) I didn't want to draw attention to our situation to our street so we stayed at home. Eventually having passed a large ball (which I presume was the amniotic sac) the physical pain eased but the emotional pain stayed.
I stayed off work for another week, family tried to encourage me to take longer but I just wanted some kind of normality. What I've found with these type of situations is that I seem to almost go in to shock and the enormity of what I'm feeling hits me a few weeks later which is what is happened in this situation.
I don't like to end a blog on a negative... but I think this blog post is now getting a bit long!! so I will carry on the story with another blog in a few day's time. What I will say though is that if you are in this situation please seek support, don't go it alone and do get professional help if you need it! Also, I am writing about what was a very painful time. It still causes me upset but nowhere near the pain it caused me last year... the saying 'time is a great healer' is generally true so please if you are in a time of pain remember things change and at some point I believe things will improve. I will pray this evening for those of you who are in a situation that seems hopeless that you will find hope! God bless x
It was a long year with knockbacks finding out other people were pregnant... whether that was colleagues, friends, relatives etc. Hearing how they'd been so lucky when they'd only started trying that month was very hard to hear! One of the difficulties is that trying for a baby is such a private thing that people don't realise what you are going through and so say things that really cut deep.
We got to 2010 and we still weren't expecting a baby. On a walk in February when I was feeling particularly low about it (and there seemed to be families with young children everywhere), we decided that we would wait until June to see if I got pregnant and then we'd make a decision about what to do - whether to look at medical intervention or into adoption etc. 2009 had been a difficult year with lots of stresses for both of us at work and so some months we felt we'd maybe not given it our best shot! so we'd try for a few more months.
We prayed God would bless us with a child and thought our prayers had been answered when in April 2010 (the day before my wedding anniversary) I found out I was pregnant. I was SO excited, as was my husband! I was even more excited when I realised that the due date was the first of January 2011! I just felt that God was giving us this child and taking away all the hurt from the previous miscarriage.
It makes me cry just typing this as it still really hurts that yet again this wasn't meant to be! This pregnancy seemed very different to the first pregnancy. My body felt healthy and I didn't have any painful twinges like last time. I felt pregnant and loved the fact that it seemed to be ok. Yes, I still had anxiety from my previous loss but deep down I felt that this time would be different.
I had my first appointment with the midwife and as she remembered me from last time and wanted to put me at ease she offered to book me an early scan at the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit. I would be able to have this scan and then one at 12 weeks so she told me we'd be able to see the baby twice.
At six and a half weeks we went for our scan. We were both nervous and as we waited for our appointment time we sat outside in the sun trying to stay grounded as we knew the pain of things not being ok from our last pregnancy but equally I was a little bit excited about maybe seeing our baby doing somersaults on the scan :-)!
We sat anxiously in the waiting area for the scan and saw people coming out from their scans so happy! I went in for mine and they couldn't see anything externally so I had to have an internal scan. As the sonographer moved the camera I could tell from her face that everything wasn't ok, she asked if I wanted to look at the screen to explain what was maybe wrong. I starred at what looked like a blob on the screen, not the moving shape of a baby but a blob inside a sac. I was told that maybe I'd got my dates wrong and to come back in a week's time to see if anything had changed. Our world fell apart... one thing you know when you've been trying to conceive for a while is your dates! We knew everything wasn't ok and we were devastated! We were also told to consider what intervention we would like if the baby had died - would I prefer an operation, to take a tablet or to wait for nature to take its course. This was another confirmation to me that they knew that everything wasn't as it should be.
We had a week of waiting which included going to my best friend's birthday party where lots and lots of families with small children had been invited. No one knew what we were going through but we were totally breaking on the inside.
We went back for a scan the following week and nothing had changed. We discussed the options with the nurse and we were told that at this stage in the pregnancy the least traumatic option on the body (not on my emotions I might add) was to wait for the body to miscarry the baby.
The hospital kept monitoring me at weekly appointments and I was told that when I actually miscarried if I was in pain to take paracetamol and ibuprofen and if the pain got too bad to go into hospital. The pain in this miscarriage was horrendous. I had really bad contractions and in all honesty felt I couldn't get to the hospital. My husband wanted to ring for an ambulance (as I couldn't get to the car) I didn't want to draw attention to our situation to our street so we stayed at home. Eventually having passed a large ball (which I presume was the amniotic sac) the physical pain eased but the emotional pain stayed.
I stayed off work for another week, family tried to encourage me to take longer but I just wanted some kind of normality. What I've found with these type of situations is that I seem to almost go in to shock and the enormity of what I'm feeling hits me a few weeks later which is what is happened in this situation.
I don't like to end a blog on a negative... but I think this blog post is now getting a bit long!! so I will carry on the story with another blog in a few day's time. What I will say though is that if you are in this situation please seek support, don't go it alone and do get professional help if you need it! Also, I am writing about what was a very painful time. It still causes me upset but nowhere near the pain it caused me last year... the saying 'time is a great healer' is generally true so please if you are in a time of pain remember things change and at some point I believe things will improve. I will pray this evening for those of you who are in a situation that seems hopeless that you will find hope! God bless x
Friday, 18 March 2011
My journey in trying for a baby - part one!
OK so this is my first blog on how I came to be where I am today on 18th March 2011 - still trying for a baby and still (at least most of the time) hopeful!
Me and my hubby started thinking about trying for a baby in early 2007. However, such is life, just after we'd made the decision to start trying my best friend announced her engagement and would be getting married early 2008. We decided to wait until after this time and thought well what's a few months! So we first actually started trying in June 2008.. wow that seems so long ago now!!
It took just three months for me to get pregnant but unfortunately pretty quickly I started to get abdominal pains so took a few days off work to rest. I started to feel a bit better and was told by people that with my body going through lots of changes it was probably normal. Unfortunately this was not the case and a couple of days later I started to bleed. I fully miscarried the following day. A very painful experience both physically and emotionally! Ladies if you are going through or have gone through this, don't let anyone speak in to your life to say that it's nothing.
I've found that people fall in to two camps - those who care, understand your pain and show you love and those who think it's no big deal (generally because they haven't experienced it). Listen to the first group and show grace to the second (I know, sometimes easier said than done).
I'm sure those who've been through this will have had people say to them, "it happens to lots of people" (well so does an adult death but you wouldn't use this as a reason to say that it isn't painful). We had had dreams and the potential of a new life ended through a miscarriage and all around me people were having successful pregnancies and new babies... to me it didn't seem to be happening to lots of people.
The following few months were painful and we decided to try again after the suggested three month wait (over this time we rationalised that it was one of those things and next time would be different).
We started trying again in January 2009. The first three months were awful as each month we waited to see if our attempts and each time our hopes were shattered. Unfortunately, timing was such that every time my period started something would coincide that would add to the pain. The first month a friend had a baby. The second month we got a thank you card for our gift we'd sent for their baby with the following Bible verse, "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of bows", Psalm 127:5. This kind of verse to a couple who are struggling to conceive isn't helpful! I'm sure it was picked to give honour to God but please be careful about what you say in front of people (you don't know what they are going through). The third month and this is no joke, I was at an aerobics class and the instructor (who I know from Church) came to talk to me to tell me about a girl who had had a baby, I didn't know the girl but she had given the exact name (and I mean first and middle) of what we would have called our baby if it had been a girl... and it wasn't a completely standard name! I was devastated. It's these things, these odd occurences that cause a lot of the pain... where circumstances leave you feeling broken and lost and wondering where the Lord is.
But the Lord is there, He is the comforter, He is my strength and refuge. I have learnt that it is important to come close to the Lord and know His heart because on wilderness days, months, years you will need to cling to His hopes and His promises. I know from past experiences where I have experienced God's love in a real and tangible way that He is always there!
One of my favourite Bible passages is Psalm 62 verses 1 to 8. Please read this as it will speak truth in to your life about the love and hope you can get from having a relationship with God, your loving Heavenly Father.
Me and my hubby started thinking about trying for a baby in early 2007. However, such is life, just after we'd made the decision to start trying my best friend announced her engagement and would be getting married early 2008. We decided to wait until after this time and thought well what's a few months! So we first actually started trying in June 2008.. wow that seems so long ago now!!
It took just three months for me to get pregnant but unfortunately pretty quickly I started to get abdominal pains so took a few days off work to rest. I started to feel a bit better and was told by people that with my body going through lots of changes it was probably normal. Unfortunately this was not the case and a couple of days later I started to bleed. I fully miscarried the following day. A very painful experience both physically and emotionally! Ladies if you are going through or have gone through this, don't let anyone speak in to your life to say that it's nothing.
I've found that people fall in to two camps - those who care, understand your pain and show you love and those who think it's no big deal (generally because they haven't experienced it). Listen to the first group and show grace to the second (I know, sometimes easier said than done).
I'm sure those who've been through this will have had people say to them, "it happens to lots of people" (well so does an adult death but you wouldn't use this as a reason to say that it isn't painful). We had had dreams and the potential of a new life ended through a miscarriage and all around me people were having successful pregnancies and new babies... to me it didn't seem to be happening to lots of people.
The following few months were painful and we decided to try again after the suggested three month wait (over this time we rationalised that it was one of those things and next time would be different).
We started trying again in January 2009. The first three months were awful as each month we waited to see if our attempts and each time our hopes were shattered. Unfortunately, timing was such that every time my period started something would coincide that would add to the pain. The first month a friend had a baby. The second month we got a thank you card for our gift we'd sent for their baby with the following Bible verse, "Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of bows", Psalm 127:5. This kind of verse to a couple who are struggling to conceive isn't helpful! I'm sure it was picked to give honour to God but please be careful about what you say in front of people (you don't know what they are going through). The third month and this is no joke, I was at an aerobics class and the instructor (who I know from Church) came to talk to me to tell me about a girl who had had a baby, I didn't know the girl but she had given the exact name (and I mean first and middle) of what we would have called our baby if it had been a girl... and it wasn't a completely standard name! I was devastated. It's these things, these odd occurences that cause a lot of the pain... where circumstances leave you feeling broken and lost and wondering where the Lord is.
But the Lord is there, He is the comforter, He is my strength and refuge. I have learnt that it is important to come close to the Lord and know His heart because on wilderness days, months, years you will need to cling to His hopes and His promises. I know from past experiences where I have experienced God's love in a real and tangible way that He is always there!
One of my favourite Bible passages is Psalm 62 verses 1 to 8. Please read this as it will speak truth in to your life about the love and hope you can get from having a relationship with God, your loving Heavenly Father.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Ever feel like you've been smacked in the face?!
Last night was one of those moments when I felt like I'd just been smacked in the face.... I was sat chatting with friends and we got talking about someone's wedding that is taking place in 4 month's time. One of the bridesmaids said, "well it's been really difficult with Laura getting pregnant, she now needs a maternity dress. She'd said before Christmas that she would be getting pregnant in January and that she'd need a maternity dress but it's been difficult getting the bridesmaids to match".
...That was to me a verbal smack in the face... firstly, I didn't know she was pregant but secondly (and perhaps more significantly to my pain) for me to say I'm going to get pregnant next month is fantasy and to know that other people can plan their pregnancy like they are planning a hair cut really hurts! I'm sure if you've been struggling to conceive for a while you too will feel that pain when friends say these things not knowing what they are saying is a massive challenge to the situation you are living through.
Over my next few blogs, I'll hopefully bring you up to date with what has happened over the past 3 to 4 years, to bring you up to date with where I am now. I won't put it all in one blog... as rather than a blog I think this may turn it in to a novel! I know some people will read some of these blogs and think well, my situation is even worse and I know that will be the case for some of you. But one thing I heard (which I believe to be very true) is we shouldn't compare as pain is pain and it doesn't hurt any less knowing that someone is hurting more.
My prayers are with those of you who are struggling, those of you who feel trapped in your situation and need freedom. I pray that you will seek God, seek His help in grabbing hold of that freedom!
Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading!
...That was to me a verbal smack in the face... firstly, I didn't know she was pregant but secondly (and perhaps more significantly to my pain) for me to say I'm going to get pregnant next month is fantasy and to know that other people can plan their pregnancy like they are planning a hair cut really hurts! I'm sure if you've been struggling to conceive for a while you too will feel that pain when friends say these things not knowing what they are saying is a massive challenge to the situation you are living through.
Over my next few blogs, I'll hopefully bring you up to date with what has happened over the past 3 to 4 years, to bring you up to date with where I am now. I won't put it all in one blog... as rather than a blog I think this may turn it in to a novel! I know some people will read some of these blogs and think well, my situation is even worse and I know that will be the case for some of you. But one thing I heard (which I believe to be very true) is we shouldn't compare as pain is pain and it doesn't hurt any less knowing that someone is hurting more.
My prayers are with those of you who are struggling, those of you who feel trapped in your situation and need freedom. I pray that you will seek God, seek His help in grabbing hold of that freedom!
Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading!
Wednesday, 16 March 2011
An intro to me! :-)
Well, this is new to me and so not sure whether this is something I'll pick up easily or not! I decided I'd like to have a place where I can write my thoughts and feelings down. As it says in my 'bit about me' section of the blog. I'm a Christian and love Jesus but I know first hand that this does not necessarily bring with it an easy life.
Over the past three years I have been trying for a baby. When I first started out, I started this with a feeling of expectancy and excitement... not knowing that 3 years later I still wouldn't be pregnant.
In some ways I've grown in faith, in other ways I have lots of unanswered questions that in dark times can be niggling doubts in the back of my mind. But I know that God is true, that He has an incredible love for me (and you), that His love is constant and never changing and that He is with us always. I am sure that He will use my circumstances to good in the future but that does not mean that I am immune to pain in the present.
I don't know where you are at at the moment, I also don't have lots of answers... but if you are in a place of pain, I would like to encourage you to seek God, rest in His presence and know that you are not alone. I don't know the end result for your situation, but I do know that if you trust and hope in the Lord He will bring hope and purpose in your future.
Thanks for reading my first blog! I will post again soon x
Over the past three years I have been trying for a baby. When I first started out, I started this with a feeling of expectancy and excitement... not knowing that 3 years later I still wouldn't be pregnant.
In some ways I've grown in faith, in other ways I have lots of unanswered questions that in dark times can be niggling doubts in the back of my mind. But I know that God is true, that He has an incredible love for me (and you), that His love is constant and never changing and that He is with us always. I am sure that He will use my circumstances to good in the future but that does not mean that I am immune to pain in the present.
I don't know where you are at at the moment, I also don't have lots of answers... but if you are in a place of pain, I would like to encourage you to seek God, rest in His presence and know that you are not alone. I don't know the end result for your situation, but I do know that if you trust and hope in the Lord He will bring hope and purpose in your future.
Thanks for reading my first blog! I will post again soon x
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