Wow my little girl is nearly one :-)

Well I've been prompted to write a new blog from a kind comment on one of my last posts... I cannot believe that my last post was in December 2011!!!  I'm really sorry to not have updated you all with our happy news.

I became a mum to the most beautiful girl on 4th April 2012.. so as the title of my blog says she is now almost one year old!  It has been the most incredible exciting journey and I absolutely love being a Mum.

It is strange as although I remember all the difficulties I went through to get my little girl (as previous posts will tell you I had 3 miscarriages and it took from starting trying in 2008 to having my little girl in 2012 and that felt like a long time with lots of pain in the process).  But I just feel so so incredibly blessed and most (probably in honesty not all) of the pain of trying has gone as she is such a living, breathing, not quite walking yet miracle!!

I ended up being induced a week before my due date as with the blood thinning injections I was on my haematologist thought it safer for me to have a controlled labour.  However, my little girl didn't want to come out at this point so rather disappointingly I had to have a c section... But despite that I had the kindest, the most fantastic staff at the hospital and really felt the Lord was looking over me and taking care of me and my daughter.  There is probably a blog post in itself about my birth story :-)  I'm not the bravest of sorts (and as you may have read) I started this journey with a HUGE fear of needles so to have the courage to go through a C Section was quite a massive thing in itself.

This year has been wonderful.  My little girl has brought me and my husband so much joy.  She is a little smiler and I can't really remember or imagine my life without her.

Anyway, that is a very quick overview of my life since my last post.  If you are reading this and going through fertility difficulties I pray that God will meet you in your need and that you will be surrounded by His everlasting love.  He cherishes and loves you so I pray that you would seek Him.

I know that I have been blessed beyond blessed and don't take any day with my little girl for granted as she is just incredible!

No greater gift than love

The Bible talks a lot about loving one another... in fact Jesus said that after loving God loving one another is the next greatest commandment.

Over the past few weeks I've been a little overwhelmed by what other people are going through and wondered what I really could do to support so many people.  But I think what's become clear in my mind is the need or me to start somewhere... to do something.  To not be so caught up in the mountain of problems that I end up standing still without offering anything.

Mother Teresa had so much to say about this.  Here are a few of her quotes that will hopefully inspire you:

• Even the rich are hungry for love, for being care for, for being wanted, for having someone to call their own
• If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one
• Let us always meet each other with a smile, for the smile is the beginning of love
• Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty
• Love begins by taking care of the closest ones - the ones at home
• Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand
• One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody
• Spread love everywhere you go.  Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier
• The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted
• The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread
• Words which do not give the light of Christ increase the darkness

If you are reading this, I would like you to know that you were created in God's image and that in your darkest days God watches over you and weeps with you.  When you celebrate He is celebrating too.  Know that you are loved by your creator!

I hope that you have a lovely Christmas filled with peace and love :-)

20 weeks 5 days

It's been a loooong while since I posted on here!  I think it was at least 3 months ago!  So just a quick update from me...

If you read my previous update you will know that I am pregnant.  I am now 20 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  I have found pregnancy firstly a huge answer to prayer but in equal measure I have found it really difficult to relax in to being pregnant.  With the blood condition I have (pro thrombin mutant gene or its more medical term hetrozygous gene for prothrombin) I am on daily blood thinners throughout the pregnancy.  This is to ensure that my placenta functions properly and the baby gets the nutrients it needs to stay alive.  So far so good, I can now feel the baby which is a daily reassurance that she is doing fine.

My blood condition has meant that I have found it really hard to not worry that I would lose another baby.  But this week (after my 20 week scan last Friday) I am now feeling happier that in just a few months time me and my husband will have a baby! :-)

I think the reason for my lack of posting has been that I haven't known what to put and today I feel like I am rambling a bit :-) so please bear with me!  I have wanted to get excited but equally known that this would mean a bigger fall should anything go wrong.  I've thought about posting about my worries but thought actually it is a BIG blessing that I am getting closer to the reality of being able to have my own baby and so my worries and fears pale in to insignificance with others.

My heart and prayers are with those of you reading this blog who are on the journey to trying to conceive.  It's a difficult place to be and I've cried many tears of brokenness over my 4 years of attempts and miscarriages so I pray that as you come into December and the end of this year your spirits will be lifted and that 2012 will be an amazing time of opportunities, new beginnings, answered prayers and fulfilled dreams.

If you are a praying person me and my DH would be really blessed if you prayed a quick prayer for our baby that she is kept safe throughout my pregnancy and that she is born healthy and happy in Spring next year.  My due date is 8th April 2012

first blog for a few week's... my feelings on my 4th pregnancy so far!

It's been a while since I posted a blog... I even had to re-read my last blog post to see where I'd got to with what I put last time.

I haven't been able to put my finger on why I've not wanted to blog, I've also not been posting on twitter much.  It was during a time of insomnia that my reason came to me.  (I am exhausted all the time but still seem to have moments in the middle of the night when my brain is whirling and I can't switch off).

As some of you may know I am in the first trimester of pregnancy.  I've had three miscarriages before and this is my fourth pregnancy.  The hope is that this time all will be well as I'm having daily blood thinning injections that hopefully are ensuring that the baby gets all the nutrients it needs.  Well I'm now around 8 weeks and 5 days.  I've a scan on Saturday morning and at that point I should be 9 weeks and 2 days.

Anyway, back to my reason for not blogging or twittering.... the reason that came to me in the dark of night was that I've realised I don't want to make the pregnancy real in my own mind if it may not work again.  I appreciate this may sound super negative but I've been crushed by previous miscarriages and I've realised I'm playing down my pregnancy, not mentioning it and avoiding getting into conversations on twitter etc because the more I get caught up in it, the more it becomes real in my own mind, the more I have to lose.  I long to be one of those people without past hurts who has not had a loss of pregnancy so doesn't have that real knowledge that something can go wrong.

As a Christian, it's a difficult one as God is all powerful and I know I should trust in Him.  But does trusting in Him mean that nothing bad ever happens... unfortunately not.  Yet in Proverbs 3: 5 it says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding".  Clearly at the moment I'm leaning on my own understanding.  I'm remembering the hurts of the past and fearing hurts of the future.  God knows my weaknesses and I'm thankful that His grace covers these.  He has always been faithful through the good and the bad.

Despite my fears I have hope that my scan on Saturday will go well so I'm praying and hoping and staying close to God who is my refuge who always offers me a place of safety, love and acceptance.

Praying for all those of you in the twitter community who are waiting for your miracle and for those of you who are grieving loss.

Six week scan tomorrow!

I thought I'd just do a quick post as I'm nervously sat at home thinking about the six week scan I am having tomorrow!

I am trying to keep calm and keep my mind off all the potential problems!  This isn't easy as my mind keeps taking me back to them.. I've only ever had scans when there have been problems - either to confirm a miscarriage and check that all was now ok with my body or when I had a six week scan last year that showed a missed miscarriage.  My sister has also suffered from two ectopic pregnancies so I have that added fear in my list of what could go wrong!  :-(

My over active mind has taken to considering what I would do if they delivered bad news... would I opt for waiting for the miscarriage to happen naturally or opt for the operation or to take the termination tablet.  If I had an ectopic I'd need an operation and that would terrify me!  DH is trying to keep me on the straight and narrow is giving me lots of support.  There is no reason why this scan should show anything is wrong but with three miscarriages under my belt my mind wants to tell me otherwise!  I'm definitely having a battle with my mind!

I know I should be positive.  Not least because to have a positive test and to be at six weeks without any bleeding is a first for me.  But I want to be honest with people that I am struggling to stay positive.  I should be excited about the scan but when I let myself I become full of anxiety.

People who follow me on twitter may have seen my comment yesterday about my obsession to check that my boobs are still hurting.  Lol!  The wish to be pregnant, stay pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby makes us do some fairly daft things.  But I guess these daft things are what are keeping me sane at the moment!

I'm had a bit of nausea and have been sleeping lots so I'm taking those as good signs.

So please pray that all will go well tomorrow, that the scan will show a healthy pregnancy and that me and DH will have complete peace!  Think of me in the morning when I'm sat in the waiting room with a full bladder hoping that all will be ok... I've got a bladder the size of a pea at the best of times so it is quite a feat for me to sit with a full bladder and be full of nerves too.  So prayers very very much appreciated! xx

Wanting to stay positive!

Just a quick post... I've been in the 'two week wait' and it's seemed to last an age rather than the two weeks!  My cycle is generally 4 weeks and 3 days but last month's was 4 weeks and 5 days so I've been a bit uncertain of dates and when I could do a test!  My period is due sometime between Sunday and Tuesday next week.

I'm a bit of a testaholic!  It drives my husband mad so I did a couple of sneaky tests last week but for quite obvious reasons they came back negative.  I then did a test a couple of days ago and it was ever so slightly positve... couldn't really call it a big fat positive as it was such a faint line.

I've got my hubby to buy some of the digital tests and done another one and as you will see it is showing as 1 - 2 weeks pregnant!  I'd like to say I'm over the moon but as I've had three pregnancies before that have all ended in miscarriage I've not had the feelings of joy yet!

So I'd really welcome your prayers that we stay positive both mentally. emotionally and also pregnantly! :-)

(Feel a bit bad as I'm telling people on my blog before my family... but don't want the pressure of people who I know knowing just yet if that makes sense)!

bruised and tired in our attempts to conceive

Just a bit of an update from me.  Hope all is well in your lives!

I've had a busy few weeks (getting to grips with a new job, still trying to conceive, injecting daily with my fragmin and generally socially there's been lots on) and I am feeling exhausted.

I am getting more bruised by the day with the fragmin injections and I think I may have to find a new part of my body other than my stomach to inject in as I'm running out of space.  The bruises look quite extreme but actually don't hurt.  What hurts more is when I inject in to a site that I've injected before and then over the course of a day a bruise like the one pictured appears.. not the most attractive of looks!  So I need to choose where to inject next.. my options are my bottom or my thighs!  Aargh... not looking forward to either option!

I'm also now in the two week wait time!  Feeling a bit more pregnant than last month so trying to stay hopeful.  But then I think I possibly get phantom pregnancy feelings because I'm willing my body to be pregnant!  So I'll wait another week before doing a test and let the test give me the true outcome.

Friends have been being completely insensitive as usual.  I've tried to think back to a time when fertility issues didn't cross my mind and wonder if I said similar things that would have been cutting to someone struggling to have a baby.

Last night I went out for a meal for a friend's birthday.  It's a girl who used to be in my housegroup so her and most of the people there know the struggles we've been through and continue to go through.

Despite this I had to sit through a different friend also from my housegroup talking constantly all night about her life as a midwife and the people she knows who've had children.  Seriously she spoke about this all evening.  Then towards the end of the evening the girl whose birthday it was came over to another girl sat next to me (also from housegroup) and said 'I think you should have a baby as I want someone from our housegroup to have a baby'!  Urrm hello... no one flinched or looked uncomfortable with what had been said and all the table had a good giggle about this.  Apart from me and my husband who were left feeling hurt and once again a bit unsure why we spend time with people who are in the main nice and friendly but who really don't try to walk even a metre in our shoes never mind a mile!

We don't expect people to avoid subjects altogether or to walk on egg shells around us but it would be nice for a bit of acknowledgement of the stuff we are going through.  The girl who talked about babies all night is one of the few who knows I'm having injections at the moment... injections that would hopefully keep the baby alive if I did get pregnant.  I just don't understand the level of insensitivity.

I came home feeling hurt and it led me to grieve a friend who sadly passed away suddenly about 5 years ago.  (Strange how these things pop in to your mind without any prompting).  A friend who would have known what to say, who would have comforted me when I was hurting and would have made me laugh and smile when I was feeling down.

Thinking over this it's led me to a couple of things I thought I would share.  Firstly, cherish those in your life who are a blessing as they really are a blessing and sad as it seems we don't know how long we will have these people in our lives.

Secondly I know that God loves me through and through.  It's easy for people to turn away from God when Christians mess up and don't seem to care.  But the truth is we all mess up... we're all human.  Over the past few years I've made the choice to stick by God because He has always been faithful and always will be faithful.  Don't miss the opportunity to have a relationship with God because people haven't reflected His love, kindness or compassion

Take care.  Hoping you have a lovely day and great weekend x